Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[-<WillyP>-]

 Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'

The old guy says.... . 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'

Most Old timers are helpful like that! 

[-<WillyP>-]

A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. White exclaims, "He's pissing in the fridge again... damn it.."


Upon hearing that my elderly grandfather had just passed away, I went straight to my grandmom's house to visit my 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When I asked how my grandfather had died, grandma replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, I told my grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along!"

[Foil]

These are hilarious...

[-<WillyP>-]

A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...", to which the doctor replies "I know...I know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn

[-<WillyP>-]

[VANGUARD]

it's how I am with Call of Duty; sad I know.

[-<WillyP>-]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,  begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no..
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
   
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[Alieo]

Why did the blonde want to become an astronaut?

Because she thought her a** was out of this world!

[-<WillyP>-]

[Ziqidel]

Initial context:-

Pessimist: "Only fools are positive!"
Optimist: "Are you sure?"
Pessimist: "I'm positive!"

One of the only puns that has ever made me laugh (in the context):-

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?'
        The first replies, 'Yes,    I'm positive.'

Some of my own:-

Ann: "Can I ask you a question?"
Bob: "Just the one."
Ann: "What's your favourite colour?"
Bob: "I said you could only ask 1 question!"

Guy: "You don't know you're beautiful. That's what makes you beautiful"
Gal: "Thank you!"
Guy: "But now you do know you're beautiful, that makes you ugly"

New religion: Veriance Version 3 - story below:-

The God of Control challenged the other 9 gods and goddesses to scare him.

The Goddess of Mystery revealed all the truth to him, but he didn't notice anything particularly disturbing, so that didn't work.

The God of Epicness removed all the epicness from the multiverse, but then he thought everything was all a big joke, so that didn't work.

The Goddess of Intelligence made him stupid, but he didn't care, so that didn't work.

The God of Fun took all the fun out of everything, but that made things extra epic, so that didn't work.

The Goddess of Souls made him lonely, but he meditated, so that didn't work.

The God of Life gave him a deadly disease, and although he suffered, he didn't fear it, for he knew that "Death is only the beginning", so that didn't work.

The Goddess of Force removed all forces from having an affect on him, but he enjoyed the vertigo, so that didn't work.

The God of Power made everything motionless, dark and silent, but he waited patiently, so that didn't work.

The Goddess of Nature caused random things to happen, but scaring the God of Control was not one of them, so that didn't work.

The God of Control then said, "If none of you can scare me, I'll have to scare myself", so he made the universe, where we have mystery, epicness, intelligence, fun, souls, life, forces, power and nature, but NO CONTROL. He was in for a hard time!

[VANGUARD]

first one is sort of like mine.

guy #1: "This isn't going to work."
guy #2: "You have to think positive."
guy #1: "Okay, I am positive this won't work."

[Shroudeye]

Something I found on the net:

One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.

At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.

The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.

The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he yelled toward the target area...

"It's leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!"

[-<WillyP>-]

lol! 

[-<WillyP>-]

Math Teacher Arrested At JFK Airport. Suspected Of Belonging To Secret Terror Society

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a "slide-rule" and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "Al-Gebra has terrorized many young people for years. They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle.'" When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."

[Shroudeye]

EDIT: Ooops. I accidentaly added a new thread. Mods, please move and add this one to joke thread...
MOD EDIT:  Done.