Post by: TechPro on February 16, 2010, 10:17:54 PM
The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An attorney, anxious to impress the judge with the detail, asked the following line of questions of a doctor who had recently performed an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on February 17, 2010, 10:10:01 AM
around in Mexico . While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the
smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just
served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones
de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am
so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only
one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be
sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned,
placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of
the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the
waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the
ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and
replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
Post by: -<WillyP>- on February 17, 2010, 10:11:28 AM
One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"
Post by: -<WillyP>- on February 17, 2010, 10:11:58 AM
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Post by: -<WillyP>- on February 17, 2010, 10:14:07 AM
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of
that bag."
"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd
better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer." Well, now, not so fast," said the
cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did
you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back
yard is right next to the football stadium parking
lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole
in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to
really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought,
'Why not make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind
the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge
clippers.'
Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, grab
hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way,
what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
Post by: Eagle131 on February 19, 2010, 03:54:52 AM
The Texan one has to be the funniest tho.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on February 19, 2010, 04:54:27 AM
Post by: TechPro on February 19, 2010, 11:30:21 AM
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
Post by: TechPro on February 19, 2010, 11:32:12 AM
During a recent password audit at a company, it was found that a
blonde receptionist was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told
that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
Post by: TechPro on February 19, 2010, 11:35:14 AM
The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."
Post by: D2Disciple on February 19, 2010, 06:42:41 PM
"You two young guns better leave my house! No loving God would ever take my husband's life three years ago when he was murdered! Get outta here, you two, or I'll call the cops!"
The two men stood there in shock and began to apologize. But, as they went on, they tried to console her that her husband's death could have been God's will because He wanted her husband there with Him in heaven. The lady was certainly unconvinced, and continued:
"I don't believe a word of it! Now get out of here, you two, before I go get my pistol out of the sewing machine drawer and give ya both something you'll never forget!"
She then reared back and slammed the door right in their faces. The door swung back open almost immediately.
She then gave it an especially good push, sure to make a point. The door bounced back even harder.
Convinced that the two men had their foot in the door, she stepped back and positioned herself to give that front door a slam that would break the hinges and be heard a half-mile away.
With a stunned look on his face, one of the men stepped back and quickly said, "Ma'am. We mean no harm... We'll leave, but before you slam that door again, you might want to move your cat."
;D
Post by: S13driftAZ on February 22, 2010, 05:13:02 PM
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"
Post by: TechPro on March 03, 2010, 08:42:53 PM
...
and they gave it to President Obama, since he's going down hill faster than she ever did
:D
Post by: Ronin RedFox on March 04, 2010, 10:17:08 AM
Post by: D2Disciple on March 04, 2010, 01:55:38 PM
Ya know, it's great that this community is so chill that we can actually post a political joke and not start a flame war. ;D
Post by: TechPro on March 04, 2010, 10:42:46 PM
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice .
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7PM. Please use the back door.
- -------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Post by: SaladBadger on March 05, 2010, 04:30:45 AM
Post by: Scyphi on March 05, 2010, 06:29:57 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on March 05, 2010, 07:40:16 AM
Post by: TechPro on March 10, 2010, 07:47:40 AM
------------------------------------
A bum comes up to the front door of a very expensive house and raps gently on the door. When the rich owner answers, the bum asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."
The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."
So the bum goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."
The bum says, "Thank you very much. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a porch you got there. It's a BMW."
Post by: TechPro on March 11, 2010, 08:35:25 AM
Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Post by: TechPro on April 13, 2010, 08:50:52 PM
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on June 02, 2010, 04:49:40 PM
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center , but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
Post by: Kaiaatzl on June 02, 2010, 05:37:13 PM
TechPro's weasel quote is by Jason Hutchinson.
True Tales from Around the World:
Brezhnev, a former ruler of Russia, was thought not to be too bright. He comes to address a big Communist party meeting, and starts:
"Dear Comrade Imperialists,"
The whole hall perked up - "what did he say??" Brezhnev tried again...
"Dear Comrade Imperialists,"
Well, by now the hall was in pandemonium - was he trying to call them Imperialists? Then, an advisor walked over to the podium and pointed to the speech for Brezhnev. "Oh..." he muttered, and started again:
"Dear Comrades,
"Imperialists are everywhere..."
When is a pencil not a pencil?
When it's on the pentagon shopping list - then it's a "portable hand held communications inscriber," says a Democratic senator.
In June a replacement driver hired by Greyhound during the drivers' strike met the bus he was to drive from Delaware to New York City. However, a passenger on the bus wound up driving to New York because the substitute driver could not drive a stick shift.
These are the stories of actual criminals, who were arrested:
Long Beach police arrested two small, skinny men in October and charged them with stealing six 45 pound barbells from the Buffum-Downtown YMCA.
The men were struggling to keep the barbells in a small cart that kept tipping over because they were not strong enough to steer it.
Police in Poland have arrested a man for a series of raids in which he allegedly climbed into large parcels and mailed himself to businesses.
Stanislaw Muchy, 39, would then apparently climb out at night after the staff had left and burgle the premises.
He made his getaway by sealing both himself and his loot in another box addressed to his Warsaw home.
His scheme came to an end after he fell out with an accomplice, whose job was to deliver him to courier firms, who contacted police.
After being tipped off, police said: "We arranged a special delivery of our own."
Post by: VANGUARD on June 06, 2010, 01:33:14 PM
That memo was good, about reading the odd numbers; the Obama one i heard on TV, loved it :). The ticket one was funny as well, and who can forget those classic church signs, lol!
I saw one about 5 minutes from my house that said "Jesus likes you." Likes, not loves?
I know two that are okay, lawyer ones.
"What do you call it when you see a lawyer with sand up to their neck? Not enough sand."
"A truck driver has this bad habit of opening the door while driving to knock down lawyers. Every time he sees one, he just has to veer off, open the door to knock the lawyer down while driving.
One day, he saw a pastor needing a lift somewhere, so he pulled over. He started to drive off when he came across another one. He started to veer close, but at the last second, he veered back. When passing, he heard a thump. He's thinking, did I hit him? "I didn't get that guy, did I?" He asked. "No," I pastor said, "I got him with the door."
Post by: Kaiaatzl on June 06, 2010, 04:36:41 PM
Post by: Bettina on June 06, 2010, 05:20:26 PM
Bee
Post by: -<WillyP>- on June 06, 2010, 05:30:59 PM
Post by: Matthew on June 06, 2010, 05:43:42 PM
This came from one of the policeman who are friends of ours. He stopped by while we were doing yard work and when I saw the radar setup the converstation switched to speeders. He joked that if you you drive faster than the posted speed limit, your speeding. If you drive lower than the limit you're impeding traffic, and if you drive exactly the speed limit you're a person of interest. :)Oh how true.
Bee
Post by: -<WillyP>- on June 08, 2010, 04:12:27 PM
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and then disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”
The bank manager looks back at her and says…
“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack… Give the frog a loan… His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
(You’re singing it, aren’t you?)
Post by: Kaiaatzl on June 08, 2010, 04:47:00 PM
This came from one of the policeman who are friends of ours. He stopped by while we were doing yard work and when I saw the radar setup the converstation switched to speeders. He joked that if you you drive faster than the posted speed limit, your speeding. If you drive lower than the limit you're impeding traffic, and if you drive exactly the speed limit you're a person of interest. :)
Bee
What if you don't drive at all... are you wasting public sidewalk space?
Post by: -<WillyP>- on June 08, 2010, 04:48:20 PM
Customer: “Ok.”
Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”
Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote click’.”
Customer: “My cable box is broken.”
Tech Support: “What seems to be the issue?”
Customer: “Roughly every 1 minute the channel goes up. I tried turning it off and on, I tried unplugging it, I made sure no one was sitting on the remote, nothing works, you guys gave me a broken box!”
Tech Support: “What does it currently show on the front of the box sir?”
Customer: “Channel 932.”
Tech Support: “And what time is it sir?”
Customer: “9:32. Oh.” *hangs up*
A man calls the local cable company.
Customer Service: “Thank you for calling [cable company]. How may I help you?”
Caller: “We just moved my grandmother’s TV and I think the cable has been disconnected at the outlet where we moved it. Could you send someone to reconnect it?”
Suddenly, the grandmother grabs the phone.
Caller’s grandmother: *yelling* “That is not what happened! The cable has been hooked to that outlet since the 70’s! You people just need to flip the little switch and turn it back on!”
The grandson gets back on the phone.
Caller: “I am so sorry. Please ignore her. I just need to set up an appointment for the technician to come out.”
Customer Service: “No problem. My grandmother can be like that too. I can have someone out on Tuesday.”
Caller’s grandmother: *yelling in the background* “You are not listening! All they have to do is flip the switch! Don’t let them lie to you!”
Caller: “Grams, when you moved the TV back in the ’80’s you had the cable disconnected from this outlet and reconnected at the other end.”
Caller’s grandmother: “Now you’re lying! I’m going to make sure that I’m not here when they come out. This is ridiculous! Tell them not to come!”
Customer Service: “Tell her that our switch is broken here and we have to manually come out and flip it in her home. We’ll be there Wednesday.”
The grandson relays this information.
Caller’s grandmother: “Oh, okay then. I’ll see them Tuesday.”
If you’re a programmer, you’ll get this right off. If you’re sane, it’ll take a minute.
Wife asks her husband, a programmer, to go shopping:
Her: Dear, please, go to the grocery store to buy some bread. Also, if they have eggs, buy 6.
Him: Okay, hun.
20 minutes later he comes back with 6 loaves of bread. His wife is flabbergasted!
Her: Dear, why on earth did you buy 6 loaves of bread?
Him: They had eggs.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on June 08, 2010, 05:22:40 PM
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what’s wrong.
“I feel terrible,” he explains, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The blonde says, “Don’t worry.”
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, “What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says “Hair Spray — Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.”
Post by: -<WillyP>- on June 08, 2010, 05:28:54 PM
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven ,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man, 'this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked. 'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...' 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said,
'You and your frickin' bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'
Post by: NUMBERZero on June 08, 2010, 05:47:23 PM
Post by: SaladBadger on June 08, 2010, 05:53:33 PM
If you’re a programmer, you’ll get this right off. If you’re sane, it’ll take a minute.Depends on how witty you are. It took me a bit to figure out that one.
Post by: Matthew on June 08, 2010, 06:36:39 PM
I got it right away. It's just you ;)If you’re a programmer, you’ll get this right off. If you’re sane, it’ll take a minute.Depends on how witty you are. It took me a bit to figure out that one.
Post by: Shroudeye on June 09, 2010, 04:20:23 AM
Three contractors showing their skills for a long, undersea tunnel construction:
Contractor #1:
"Our technology allows us to build with great precision... We start digging from two ends, and when the tunnel's met, they'll miss each other for approx. 1 meter, max."
Contractor #2:
"Our technology allows greater precision... We start digging from two ends, and it will miss a few inches at the end."
Contractor #3:
"Our technology would be the best for you: We start digging from two ends; either it will met, or you'll have two tunnels instead..."
Post by: Kaiaatzl on June 09, 2010, 04:46:13 AM
If you’re a programmer, you’ll get this right off. If you’re sane, it’ll take a minute.
Nice one... I got it almost right away, and I'm not a programmer...
Also, I really like Shroudeye's joke too...
Now I must think of some more...
Post by: -<WillyP>- on June 09, 2010, 05:53:19 AM
Post by: Scyphi on June 09, 2010, 06:34:29 AM
Post by: Shroudeye on June 09, 2010, 09:24:04 AM
A joke about Mark Twain:
One day, Mark Twain was in a bar, drinking before his speech. He turns to bartender, and asks another glass. Bartender, not recognizing him, asks him while serving the glass:
-Mark Twain will give a speech in a conference today... Would you be interested?
Mark replies:
-I don't like that guy's speeches, then adds:
-I'm always on foot when he speaks!
Post by: Matthew on June 09, 2010, 12:26:54 PM
-I'm always on foot when he speaks!Don't get it.
Post by: Ronin RedFox on June 09, 2010, 06:52:09 PM
Post by: Matthew on June 09, 2010, 08:08:59 PM
I think it means he is the man speaking.I get that, but why does being on foot when someone is speaking make the speech bad?
Post by: Ronin RedFox on June 09, 2010, 09:04:05 PM
Post by: Shroudeye on June 10, 2010, 12:33:17 AM
I think it means he is the man speaking.I get that, but why does being on foot when someone is speaking make the speech bad?
Maybe he does not like to speak. ???
No, He does not like to STAND.
Spoiler:
See, Mark is the person who will speak, and therefore, STAND up. which means he has to STAND everytime, when he speaks... He tells it to the bartender, which not recognizes him, as if he is talking about another person...
I added a few words, maybe it will clear it up...
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 05, 2010, 03:11:34 PM
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. May I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one".
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving".
The policeman is shocked. "I see. May I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that".
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car".
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner".
At this point the officer is getting stressed. "You what!?"
"She's in the trunk if you want to see".
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, would you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem Officer?"
The officer responds, "Yes, would you open the trunk of your car please?"
The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.
"One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license". The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner".
The man says, "I bet he told you I was speeding also!"
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 05, 2010, 03:59:16 PM
and is desperate to find him.
Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV and realized he was
gone. She called out to him and he never responded.
She then noticed the back door was open. She has been putting up signs
everywhere in an effort to have him returned.
Thanks for your help.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 05, 2010, 04:04:08 PM
"Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,looking
for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot...
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 05, 2010, 04:17:34 PM
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders".
Guess where I am now...
Post by: Kaiaatzl on July 06, 2010, 01:02:47 PM
Cruel, but funny.
BTW - Colonel Sanders was a spaceball:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mk7VWcuVOf0 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mk7VWcuVOf0)
Post by: Matthew on July 06, 2010, 03:39:54 PM
Post by: NUMBERZero on July 06, 2010, 05:59:04 PM
Post by: Scyphi on July 07, 2010, 07:28:10 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 08, 2010, 04:25:56 AM
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
' Nope,' said the old man
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 08, 2010, 04:42:33 AM
Sitting on top of the bike was a big biker, with big arms, big tattoos and a big beard.
Along came a little old man on a moped.
He stopped beside the big biker and looked over at the big bike.
"Good Lord", he exclaimed "that sure is a BIG bike".
"Sure is", growled the biker.
"I bet it goes pretty fast", commented the old man.
"Sure does", growled the big biker.
"Mind if I take a closer look?", asked the old man.
"Go ahead", replied the biker "just don't touch nothing.
So the old man got his face real close to the bike, the better to see all the big shiny parts. Meanwhile, the light turned green.
The big biker decided to show off a little, and hits the throttle hard, laying a strip of rubber and accelerating to tree-men-dous speed in the blink of an eye.
Looking back in his mirror, the biker was surprised to see the little old man gaining on him fast, so he pinned the throttle...but still, the old man was gaining hard.
Suddenly the old man on the moped flew past the astonished biker like he was sitting still.
"Goddam!", exclaimed the big biker, and before he could do anything else, the old man flew past him in the other direction, going even faster.
"He's riding circles around me!"
Stunned and amazed, the big biker pulled over to consider the situation.
KER-WHAM!
The old man on the moped suddenly drove into the back of the big bike, totally destroying his little moped.
The big biker ran around to the back of his bike, and there was the little old man laying on the ground moaning.
"Holy crap old-timer", he exclaimed "are you alright, can I do anything for you?"
"Sure thing sonny", replied the old man "would you mind unhooking my suspenders from your handlebars?"
Post by: Matthew on July 08, 2010, 08:25:26 AM
Post by: Foil on July 08, 2010, 08:35:17 AM
It's an oldie, but a goodie. :D
Post by: TechPro on July 08, 2010, 03:17:46 PM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on July 08, 2010, 06:21:25 PM
Post by: Shroudeye on July 11, 2010, 06:27:49 AM
3 men who were chosen among many participants to be special, top-secret agents; was having a briefing on their final test:
"You have endured all the tests we made for you, and came this far." The controller said, "But there is one more remains. One more test, and we will choose the best one. You will be given a secret password, then subjected to torture. If you manage to keep the secret for the longest time, you'll be granted to join us."
So all 3 men were given a password and got tortured.
The 1st man, endures for 1 month, and finally gives in.
The 2nd man, goes up for 2 months.
The 3rd man however, doesn't gives in even after 4 months. The controller grows excited, yet also puzzled on how the man could withstand, decides to put a camera in his quarters. He watches the man pacing the room and banging his head on the wall while mumbling something. Curious, the Controller opens the microphone. He hears the man repeating:
"REMEMBER!!!REMEMBER!!!REMEMBER!!!REMEMBER!!!REMEMBER!!!REMEMBER!!!..."
Post by: Scyphi on July 11, 2010, 11:07:59 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 11, 2010, 05:34:22 PM
Post by: Scyphi on July 12, 2010, 10:57:50 AM
One day, a Brunette came into the store, looked into the mirror at her reflection, and remarked, "I think I put on my make-up very well today!"
Poof!
Later, a redhead came into the store, looked into the mirror at her reflection, and remarked, "I think I styled my hair very well today!"
Poof!
Finally, a blond entered the store and did the same as the others: looked into the mirror, and started to comment, "I think..."
Poof!
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 13, 2010, 01:13:35 PM
I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restroom.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me,
But I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"??
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.. I tell him
"No..I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions
Post by: Matthew on July 13, 2010, 03:24:28 PM
Post by: Shroudeye on July 14, 2010, 02:29:20 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 17, 2010, 04:18:19 AM
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
"They send me a BLIND policeman."
Delaware Decision
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her USA government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"
Blonde Pregnancy
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 17, 2010, 09:31:30 AM
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family or friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost.....
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 21, 2010, 10:03:16 AM
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 21, 2010, 06:57:00 PM
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Post by: Matthew on July 21, 2010, 07:03:54 PM
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."We really need a ROFL smiley here.
Post by: Scyphi on July 22, 2010, 05:56:37 AM
Post by: Shroudeye on July 22, 2010, 10:17:00 AM
--
A Truck driver has been arrested for driving into a bazaar. Police:
-Sir, you have driven into a public area and made a lot of damage. May I ask why?
Driver replies:
-My brakes were failed, so I couldn't stop!
-There was another, empty street just next to the junction?
-Yeah, yet it had a kid in it...
-Well, you could turn there instead of driving into the bazaar?? You might injured one kid, instead of millions?
-I thought so, and I turned to the kid...But that kid ran into the bazaar!!
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 24, 2010, 08:11:51 AM
After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.
This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books.
With great trepidation, his Mom looks at it and to her surprise; little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then," she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?"
Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 24, 2010, 08:19:08 AM
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'
Post by: NUMBERZero on July 24, 2010, 08:20:48 AM
Out of all of the jokes in the world, you happen to post the SAME EXACT KID GOES TO CATHOLIC SCHOOL JOKE that my doctor said to me YESTERDAY.
*Twilight Zone music*
Are you my doctor? XD
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 24, 2010, 08:26:56 AM
Post by: Scyphi on July 24, 2010, 10:44:35 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 24, 2010, 01:26:13 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 26, 2010, 06:44:27 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 27, 2010, 05:18:58 PM
When suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit,Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you
Give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to aNASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to animage processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on hisPalm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and
You don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ....
Now give me back my dog.
Post by: Scyphi on July 28, 2010, 05:12:13 AM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on July 28, 2010, 08:25:40 PM
A Letter from John Cleese to the USA
Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America :
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut 'without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try - the Australians and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16 An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen.
Only He can.
John Cleese
Post by: NUMBERZero on July 28, 2010, 10:12:15 PM
I can go for the Metric system and the roundabouts. But Tea Time is (in the voice of the Power Thirst youtube video) UNACCEPTABLE! :P
Post by: Matthew on July 29, 2010, 12:23:15 AM
Post by: Scyphi on July 29, 2010, 06:08:54 AM
I could live with a roundabout, as there's already one here in my home town, and I'm a little rusty on my metric, but that's just a hop, skip, and a jump to compensate. :)
Don't think I could live with the spelling changes, though... :P
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 29, 2010, 06:43:44 AM
"I don't have a watch, but I can consult the bull for you, if you want"
A little confused, the yuppie says "Oh, O.K."
The farmer crouches down behind the bull and gently cups its balls in his hands. He spends a few moments seemingly testing the weight of each ball, then stands up and says "It's a quarter past two".
The yuppie gets back in his car, drives off down the road and hears a time-check on the radio. To his surprise, the farmer was exactly correct - but the yuppie puts it down to pure luck.
A few weeks later, the same yuppie is driving down the same road and sees the same farmer. He decides to see if the farmer can perform the trick again so he stops and asks the time. Again, the farmer crouches behind the bull and carefully weighs its balls in his hands. He gets up and says "half past ten". The yuppie checks his watch to see the farmer is exactly right but again, puts it down to luck and goes on his way.
Another week goes by and the yuppie finds himself on the same road - again the farmer is there so he stops and asks him the time again. Once more the farmer goes through the bulls balls weighing ritual and returns with exactly the right time. This time, the yuppie realizes it cannot be chance, and asks the farmer how he does it. The farmer looks around furtively, then says:
"Well.... lifting the left ball - that's just for show, but when you lift up the right ball, you can just see the clock on the village church tower..."
Post by: TechPro on July 29, 2010, 10:51:39 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 29, 2010, 03:47:31 PM
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
--------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said -- "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
--------------------------------------------------------------
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
-------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly -- As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say -- Look, he's moving!"
--------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord -- "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute.
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
'The Lord replies, "In a minute."
-------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
--------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what -- Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied --"Take the poison!"
Post by: Matthew on July 29, 2010, 05:16:42 PM
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.LOL!
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied --"Take the poison!"
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 30, 2010, 05:48:20 AM
The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''
''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" the mother confides.
"Oh, so sad dear'' says the other.
''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''
''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''
''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly.
''Oh, gracious me . . . '' says the other.
''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school''
''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Post by: Scyphi on July 30, 2010, 06:12:42 AM
Of course, wise-cracks like that get you in trouble, which is why you don't see that more often. :P
Post by: Kaiaatzl on August 02, 2010, 10:12:37 AM
Post by: SaladBadger on August 02, 2010, 11:33:13 AM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on August 02, 2010, 12:15:56 PM
Post by: Scyphi on August 03, 2010, 05:12:31 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 03, 2010, 05:18:43 AM
Post by: Matthew on August 03, 2010, 07:13:33 PM
"I forgot to charge you for the duck call and the stink bait".Owned.
Post by: NUMBERZero on August 03, 2010, 08:36:43 PM
"I forgot to charge you for the duck call and the stink bait".Owned.
X2
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 04, 2010, 06:39:57 AM
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________ _________ _________ ______
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
____________ _________ _________ ____
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
____________ _________ _________ _________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_______ _________ _________ ______
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand..
____________ _________ _________ ________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
____________ _________ _________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
____________ _________ _________ _____
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
Post by: Kaiaatzl on August 04, 2010, 08:13:43 AM
Quote
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Alter-Fox.
Seriously, I don't even know the right answer to that. (Am I smarter than a fifth grader?)
Somniferous maybe? But somniferous doesn't mean exactly that (It means "really boring").
I have another one, from one of my friends when I was in Junior High.
__________ _______________ _______________ ______________
TEACHER: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in class.
JOHNNY: Yeah, but maybe if you were quieter I could!
Post by: NUMBERZero on August 04, 2010, 08:27:40 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 12, 2010, 08:38:39 AM
Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
Post by: Foil on August 12, 2010, 08:56:41 AM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on August 12, 2010, 11:31:46 AM
Gander NLFP (CP) CANADA'S WORST AIR DISASTER occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater airplane, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Newfoundland.
Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
AHhahahahahahahhaahahha....
Post by: Matthew on August 13, 2010, 07:09:40 AM
Post by: Ronin RedFox on August 13, 2010, 01:36:14 PM
Now get it? :P It made me facepalm then laugh.
Post by: Kaiaatzl on August 13, 2010, 01:58:45 PM
Post by: Matthew on August 13, 2010, 02:14:09 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 17, 2010, 10:30:28 AM
The grasshopper says, "Bob?"
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "I can't serve you."
The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun-guy."
A piece of string walks into a bar. He hops up onto a stool and yells to the bartender, "Hey! Gimme a drink!"
The bartender picks up the string and throws it into the street.
The string thinks, "I'll show 'im. I'll go back in disguise, he won't know it's me, and at the last minute I'll humiliate him. So the string contorts its body into a whole different shape, and frizzes its hair ala a 'fro. It goes back in, hops onto the stool and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "You're that piece of string I threw out 5 minutes ago."
The string answers, "No. I'm a frayed knot."
Guy walks into a bar and says, "Drinks for everyone, and barkeep, pour one for yourself too."
Everyone thanks him and, a few minutes later, he buys another round for everyone including the bartender.
He orders a third round and the barkeep says, "Sure, but please pay for the first two rounds before I pour the third."
The generous guy says, "Money? I don't have any money." The bartender kicks the crap out of him and throws him into the street.
A few minutes later he comes back in and says, "Barkeep, drinks for everyone. But not for you. You get nasty when you're drunk."
Guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head.
The bartender looks up and says "Where did you get that ape?"
Guy says, "This isn't an ape, it's a duck".
Bartender says "I was TALKING to the duck".
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Hey, why the long face?"
A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender figures that a kangaroo probably isn't very economically aware, and charges him $50.
The marsupial orders a beer next time, and is charged $60.
Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the better of him. He casually remarks, "You know, we don't get too many kangaroos in here."
The kangaroo replies, "At these prices, no wonder."
A dog walked into a bar and asked for a beer. With that a man at the bar said "I don't want to drink at the same bar as this dog."
The dog and the man got into a fight and the man shot the dog in the foot. With that the dog yelped out of the bar and down the street.
A week later the same dog walked into the same bar, this time he was wearing a black hat, a black vest, black chaps, black boots, a black gun belt with a pair of black colt .45's one on either side, and a black bandage around his sore foot. He goes up to the bar and says to the bar tender "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw"
A guy walked into a bar and ordered two drinks.
"How about a double instead?" asked the bartender.
"No. I'm drinking with my friend from Denver."
So the bartender gives him the two drinks. He drinks them while alternately
sipping from each glass. This goes on for a few months. A couple of times a
week he comes into the bar to drink with his friend from Denver.
One day he comes in and orders only one drink.
"Did your friend from Denver die?" asked the bartender.
"No. My doctor told me to stop drinking."
Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."
A man from Ward 3 sneaked out of the City Hospital down to Shaftesbury Square and into Lavery's pub still in his dressing gown. He ordered a pint of Smithwick's and a
double Black Bush. Having downed them in 5 minutes he asked for the same again. As he drained the last drops of the Bush he said to the barman, "I shouldn't be drinking
this with what I've got."
The barman stood back, alarmed, and asked "What have you got?"
"Two nickles and a dime" said the patient.
Two blondes walk into the bar....You'd think one of them would of seen it?
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Get outa here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles bar.
A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls, "What'll you have?"
The duck says, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender spits and says "We don't have grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE
MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"
With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.
The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?"
The bartender, puzzled, said no.
The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any grapes?"
A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, I can't serve you here unless you are wearing a tie."
The man says, "Okay, I'll be right back," and goes to his car to find anything he can use for a tie. All he finds is a set of jumper cables, so he ties them around his neck,
goes back in and asks, "How's this?"
The bartender replies, "Well, okay, but don't start anything."
A chicken walks into a bar.
The bartender says "We don't serve poultry!"
The chicken says "That's OK I just want a drink."
A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?"
Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. speak up!"
"May I please have a drink?"
"What? You have to speak up!"
"Could I please have a drink?"
"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."
"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."
A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender.
"Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal.
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
Two cannibals walk into a bar and sits beside this clown. The first cannibal wacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown. Suddenly the second cannibal
looks up and says, "Hey, do you taste something funny?"
This snail crawl's up to this bar as it was being closed. The snail pounds and pounds on the door until the bar tender finally opens the door.
Bar tender looks around and sees nothing until the snail demands a beer. The bar tender looked down and sees him but replies, "Hey, we're closed now and besides we don't serve snails!" and then proceeds to slam the door. The snail again pounds on the door until the bar tender got so frustrated that he opened the door again and kicks the snail away.
A year later as the bartender was about to close again, he hears a pounding on the door again. He opens the door and looks down to see the same snail again.
The snail looked up and replies, "What'd you do that for?"
Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?"
Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes.
A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake.
The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."
Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."
One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 17, 2010, 07:32:37 PM
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.
So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. ‘I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500,’ he says.
This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Post by: TechPro on August 17, 2010, 07:46:12 PM
Post by: Scyphi on August 18, 2010, 06:21:56 AM
Also liked the dog bar joke, though it took me a split second to make the connection. :P
All of those bar jokes reminded me of one I heard some years ago:
There was this bar that was positioned at the top of a tall skyscraper, with a pretty view of the city skyline. At the moment, there were two patrons at the bar, and the bartender, who was standing nearby, within hearing range. The two patrons had had a few drinks and were getting rather drunk.
Then, one turned to the other and said, "You know, if I jump out that window, I'll betcha I'll fly."
The other guy refused to believe it. "Nuh-uh! Betcha you can't!"
So, to prove it, the first man jumped out the window of this bar on the top floor of the skyscraper, and true to his word, he flew around for a little bit before he returned to the bar.
"Wow!" said the other guy, impressed, "Well, if you can do it, so can I!"
So he goes and jumps out the window, but he doesn't fly, and falls to his death.
At this point, the bartender having heard and seen all of this turns to the first guy and remarks, "you know, you're mean when you're drunk, Superman."
Post by: Kaiaatzl on August 18, 2010, 09:00:09 AM
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight...
I have heard many different forms of this joke.
I have another bar joke but I'll need to find the book first...
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 18, 2010, 09:03:36 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 18, 2010, 09:06:48 AM
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good…Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the Sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call...
"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray painted on a sheet of wood....
NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for chicks!
Post by: Matthew on August 18, 2010, 10:36:34 AM
The lawyer one was awesome :D
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 18, 2010, 10:53:06 AM
As far as the dog, I guess you need some familiarity with the Western movie meme of someone looking for the man who shot his pa.
Post by: Matthew on August 18, 2010, 01:47:17 PM
Post by: Foil on August 18, 2010, 02:47:08 PM
Post by: TechPro on August 18, 2010, 03:48:54 PM
This one is too long for one post, but it's really good... so it's posted on my blog instead: Lost in the Desert ([url]http://rantthisspace.com/lost_in_desert.html[/url])
That one is remarkably similar to a "Salesman and a dancing bunny" story that has been told in my family since I was around 8 or 9 (about 39 years ago). Ends with almost exactly the same punch line, takes place in the Old West, and is as long as the story teller wants (he/she inputs stuff in the story according to whim, mostly to lengthen the story). Involves Nate the Snake (who talks), a lever that is able to stop the world, and a semi-truck instead of an RV. :o
Post by: Scyphi on August 19, 2010, 06:30:24 AM
I must admit I like your version even better though, WillyP, as it's more thought out, more logical, and feels more like a short story than a joke. In fact, that end pun almost ruins it all, because it was actually building up a fair amount of emotion towards the end, none of it of the humorous sort.
Ah well, just goes to show you that it's a small world after all. :)
Post by: Kaiaatzl on August 19, 2010, 09:18:58 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 19, 2010, 03:42:25 PM
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 19, 2010, 03:54:21 PM
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
"Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, And I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which
story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius, the pilot
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"
Post by: Canceler on August 20, 2010, 07:27:45 AM
Quote
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Hey, why the long face?"you forgot the part where the horse says "my son was just diagnosed with multiple sclerosis" :P
Hellen Keller had a dog, but it ran away. Trust me, you would run away too if your name was mwmaeuawuae.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 21, 2010, 09:25:11 AM
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' t-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'
'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.
''Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to California and get another one?'
Post by: Matthew on August 22, 2010, 08:03:17 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 22, 2010, 08:05:18 AM
(http://laughingsquid.com/wp-content/uploads/the-other-numbers-20100819-114301.jpg)
Post by: NUMBERZero on August 22, 2010, 08:05:34 AM
Post by: Matthew on August 22, 2010, 08:06:51 AM
Post by: Scyphi on August 23, 2010, 06:15:41 AM
In reality, though, the number's on a pencil typically refers to the hardness of the graphite it contains. The softer the graphic, the darker the markings it makes. As far as I can figure out, no. 1 is the softest, so no. 2 would be the second softest. Typically you don't need such varying versions of graphic for things like simple writing, though, hence why you usually only see no. 2 pencils (why no. 2 specifically, I don't know). The other types are used more for artistic purposes (the harder graphite is good for sketching, because it leaves so much lighter marks) however these days pencils built specifically for art use do not use the number system but a different identification system, probably because art pencils use a wider range of graphite hardness than standard pencils.
So anyway...now you know.
Now back to your regularly scheduled programming. :P
Post by: TechPro on August 23, 2010, 03:06:44 PM
Post by: Matthew on August 24, 2010, 07:33:23 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 24, 2010, 10:16:53 AM
Post by: Matthew on August 25, 2010, 06:01:58 AM
A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer mats. He says business is booming, and prophets are going through the roof…That sounds like a good way to take of all the suicide bombers.
Post by: Scyphi on August 25, 2010, 12:19:19 PM
Post by: Matthew on August 25, 2010, 02:05:06 PM
...or edge them on. :-\How so?
Post by: Scyphi on August 26, 2010, 05:56:57 AM
Post by: Canceler on August 26, 2010, 06:07:46 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xvqjJzuaNSE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xvqjJzuaNSE)
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 31, 2010, 02:27:21 PM
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc.., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried egg plant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes..
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter ,
Alice
Post by: Kaiaatzl on August 31, 2010, 04:34:45 PM
I wouldn't join the army though. I might get sent off to an actual war.
A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer mats. He says business is booming, and prophets are going through the roof…
I can't let my dad see this... it's too punny (way better than the ones he makes though).
Post by: NUMBERZero on August 31, 2010, 06:09:22 PM
Post by: Scyphi on September 01, 2010, 06:09:08 AM
Quote from: Alter Fox
I can't let my dad see this... it's too punny (way better than the ones he makes though).
Maybe he should meet Techpro (he's pretty punny too. :P)
Post by: -<WillyP>- on September 01, 2010, 08:29:41 AM
I don't get the army story. Can anyone explain?
Some chic named Alice joined the Army and wrote a letter home to her Ma and Pa about how much she loved the Army, and how much life was so much easier than back home.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on September 01, 2010, 08:37:08 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on September 08, 2010, 02:56:37 AM
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
Post by: -<WillyP>- on September 10, 2010, 07:39:01 PM
inside the local sausage plant and in a blink it exploded into massive
flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage
company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret
formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant.
They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that
brings them out intact.'
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments from surrounding towns had to be called in as
the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now
$100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret
files.
From a distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into
sight.
It was the nearby Melville rural township volunteer fire department
composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine,
operated by these Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines
parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off
and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Melville old-timers had extinguished the fire and
saved the secret formulas.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a
superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over
to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Norwegian
firefighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking,
'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Vell,' said Olaf Johnson, the 70-year-old fire chief,
'.....da furst ting vee gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck.'
Post by: Matthew on September 10, 2010, 08:05:43 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on September 11, 2010, 04:25:12 PM
Post by: Matthew on September 11, 2010, 05:20:15 PM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on September 11, 2010, 06:33:34 PM
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/demented (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/demented)
I haven't watched it in a while, but I don't think there was any obscenity. If there is, just tell me and I'll remove the link.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on September 14, 2010, 02:19:20 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on October 12, 2010, 10:32:07 AM
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray".
"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
Post by: -<WillyP>- on October 12, 2010, 10:36:36 AM
A. Bell-bottoms!
Q. How is a telephone like a dirty bathtub?
A. They both have rings!
Q. What happened to the little frog who sat on the telephone?
A. He grew up to be a bellhop!
Q. What do you get if you cross a telephone with an iron?
A. A smooth operator!
Q. What do you call a large person who constantly calls up people, pretending to be somebody else?
A. A big phone-y!
Q. Why didn't the skeleton need a telephone?
A. He had no body to talk with!
Q. How does a cheerleader answer the phone?
A. H-E-L-L-O!
Q. What do you get if you cross a phone with a pair of glasses?
A. A television.
Q. What is the cheapest time to call your friends long distance?
A. When they're not home!
Q. How does Ebenezer Scrooge make phone calls?
A. Collect!
Post by: -<WillyP>- on October 17, 2010, 05:03:55 PM
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
___________________________________________
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________
A blond calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________
Two Hispanic detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
___________________________________________
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
Post by: -<WillyP>- on October 17, 2010, 05:29:51 PM
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents .'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the woman's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by t he various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
Post by: NUMBERZero on October 17, 2010, 05:42:12 PM
Post by: TechPro on October 17, 2010, 08:26:10 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on October 27, 2010, 06:15:34 PM
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out,
"D@mn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"......
(somehow I knew that was coming... but I laughed anyway... ;) )
Post by: -<WillyP>- on November 05, 2010, 03:11:59 AM
The old woman is thinking : That Guyanese guy must have tried to kiss that girl and got slapped.
The Guyanese is thinking : "Damn it,that Trini guy must have tried to kiss the beautiful girl, she thought it was me and slapped me instead."
The beautiful girl is thinking : "That Guyanese must have moved to kiss me,but kissed the old lady instead and got slapped."
The Trini is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Guyanese again
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Post by: -<WillyP>- on November 05, 2010, 03:19:42 AM
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk .
We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
. . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
DON'T CUSS ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME!
Post by: -<WillyP>- on November 05, 2010, 03:20:55 AM
The wife was upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise of pay that was requested.
She asked: 'Now Marie, why yuh feel yuh deserve a pay increase?'
Marie: 'Well, ma'am, three reasons why I want de increase.' The first one, mi iron better than you'!
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Marie: 'Your husband say so.'
Wife: 'Oh!'
Marie: 'The second reason .. ah can cook better than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Marie: 'Your husband again'
Wife: 'Oh!'
Marie: 'The third reason is that I am better in bed than you ...'
Wife: (really furious now): 'My husband says that as well??'
Marie: 'No ma'am, your husband's best friend Andrew.
Wife: 'How much yuh seh you want again?'
Post by: Kaiaatzl on November 05, 2010, 06:26:33 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on November 08, 2010, 11:50:37 AM
gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.
Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What
does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
Post by: Kaiaatzl on November 08, 2010, 06:05:55 PM
:D
Is there no *laughing* smiley?
Post by: -<WillyP>- on November 09, 2010, 05:32:57 AM
A little girl asked her mother: "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said: "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered: "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
Post by: -<WillyP>- on November 09, 2010, 05:45:52 AM
On of the other golfers says that was a very nice thing to do. The reverent one replies "Well, she was my wife for 30 years".
Post by: Scyphi on November 09, 2010, 08:02:57 AM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on November 17, 2010, 08:58:51 AM
Especially look at the first example.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on November 17, 2010, 10:25:31 AM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on November 17, 2010, 10:45:10 AM
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
"Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,looking
for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot...
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."
Lol just saw this... my aunt emailed it to me yesterday.
Post by: TechPro on November 17, 2010, 08:21:20 PM
Look at this: [url]http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Feghoot[/url] ([url]http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Feghoot[/url])
Especially look at the first example.
@Everyone ... The same kind of thing was mentioned in an earlier post by WillyP in this thread:
http://www.planetdescent.net/index.php?topic=266.msg5579#msg5579
(WillyP's post at the bottom of page 8)
What Scyphi says about it on page 9 is true.
... Techpro's been telling it to us kids every now and then (usually on camp-outs) for years. ...
I'd heard it from my older brothers over 35 years ago and I know they tell it to their kids now. I had never heard it from anyone outside my family until WillyP posted it in this thread.
Post by: Scyphi on November 18, 2010, 07:40:26 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on November 21, 2010, 07:38:24 PM
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then leaves.
Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in class the rest were just tourists."
Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here.
Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa."
Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get it to work again.
Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.
Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on November 25, 2010, 09:23:35 AM
As there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here..You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!" Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa, there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down - I think there's another one coming!" Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"Keep holding that lantern up - don't set it down! There's another one!!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"
Post by: -<WillyP>- on November 27, 2010, 09:37:12 AM
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
Post by: -<WillyP>- on November 27, 2010, 09:44:27 AM
Post by: d3jake on November 30, 2010, 10:51:33 AM
<Nerd> o
<Nerd> 0
<Nerd> 8
<Nerd> oo
Post by: NUMBERZero on November 30, 2010, 01:10:56 PM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on November 30, 2010, 02:44:57 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on December 03, 2010, 10:14:40 AM
The stock boy answered, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
President Obama arrives to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace , waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire . The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"
"Yes, I am," said the officer.
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"
The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.
"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.
"Yes it is" I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer...
"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my pecker ", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped and i admire that.
But you have sinned and you have to atone for those sins.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months holiday and five good leads...'
Post by: VANGUARD on December 03, 2010, 12:16:34 PM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on December 06, 2010, 04:44:27 PM
The BANKER would say that the glass has just under 50% of its net worth in liquid assets.
The GOVERNMENT would say that the glass is fuller than it would be if the opposition were in power.
The OPPOSITION would say that it is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected. (This is probably a poke at the Canadian government for doing away with the mandatory long-form Canadian census, which angered a lot of people for some reason, so don't worry if you don't get it.)
The ECONOMIST would say that, in real terms, the glass is 25% fuller than at the same time last year.
The PHILOSOPHER would say that, if the glass was in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?
The PSYCHIATRIST would ask you, "What did your mother say about the glass?"
The PHYSICIST would say that the volume of this glass is divided into two equal parts, one a colourless, odourless liquid, the other a colourless, odourless gas. Thus the glass is neither half full nor half empty. Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with gas, one with liquid.
The SEASONED DRINKER would say that the glass doesn't have enough ice in it.
Feel free to add your own! I'd like to see what everyone can come up with.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
GOOD OLD DAYS
When I was a boy, Momma would send me down to the corner store with $1, and I'd come back with 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea and 6 eggs. You can't do that now. Too many darn security cameras.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two lawyers arrive at the bar and order a couple of drinks. They then take sandwitches from their briefcases and began to eat. Seeing this, the angry bartender approaches them and says, "Excuse me, but you cannot eat our own sandwitches in here!"
The two lawyers look at each other, shrug, and exchange sandwitches.
Post by: NUMBERZero on December 06, 2010, 05:48:02 PM
Confucious said in one of his wise proverbs that "when you stand on toilet, you high on pot."
Post by: VANGUARD on December 06, 2010, 09:00:59 PM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on December 06, 2010, 10:05:54 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on December 07, 2010, 05:16:42 AM
Post by: NUMBERZero on December 07, 2010, 06:35:02 AM
Post by: Foil on December 07, 2010, 07:48:31 AM
Hey! I ordered a cheeseburger! (Who hasn't heard that one).
<raises hand> Haven't heard it.
Mind telling it? :)
Post by: Kaiaatzl on December 07, 2010, 08:07:24 AM
The four basic personality types (click to make it a readable size):
Post by: Foil on December 07, 2010, 08:29:06 AM
Post by: Foil on December 09, 2010, 07:06:53 AM
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
:D
Post by: NUMBERZero on December 09, 2010, 08:14:26 AM
Crazy wife.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on December 16, 2010, 12:47:49 PM
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes.
Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses."
Post by: -<WillyP>- on December 20, 2010, 06:25:18 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on December 23, 2010, 02:02:01 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on December 26, 2010, 11:12:41 AM
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and . . .
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.
Post by: Foil on December 27, 2010, 11:39:08 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on January 02, 2011, 05:13:03 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on January 26, 2011, 01:41:00 PM
Answers:
1.) Able
2.) Gullible
3.) Cannibal
4.) Parable
5.) Fable
6.) Bully
7.) Abominable
8.) Bible
9.) Noble
Post by: NUMBERZero on January 27, 2011, 12:44:56 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on January 28, 2011, 04:05:34 PM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on January 28, 2011, 08:00:17 PM
Post by: Shroudeye on January 30, 2011, 03:49:28 AM
During a mass at the church, flood had struck Nowheresville hard. Everyone jumps on boats (or anything that floats) for dear life, except the priest. Someone amidst the chaos notices this and yells from his boat:
-Father! Jump on the boat!!
Priest, being a 'faithful' person replies:
-No son, you save yourself! I believe that our Almighty will help me!
The man in the boat looks puzzled but goes away.
As the flood raises, it devours the lower levels of the church, and forces the priest up to the roof. Suddenly, another boat approaches to the church, and someone yells:
-Father, jump in!
Again, priest replies:
-NO! The Almighty will save me!
The boat also heads away.
The flood raises to the roof, and priest climbs on the bell tower. A helicopter roars overhead and hovers above the tower. Someone throws a ladder and yells:
-Father! Catch the ladder!
And the priest yells back:
-NO! THE ALMIGHTY WILL HELP ME!
and pushes the ladder back.
The helicopter goes away.
Finally, the flood raises to the priests feet, then starts to drag him. Just before he lets go, he yells skyward:
Oh my Almighty, I favored you for my entire life, PLEASE HELP ME!!
And he hears a deep voice from sky:
-I SENT YOU TWO BOATS AND A HELICOPTER ALREADY YOU IDIOT!!!
:D
Post by: Scyphi on January 30, 2011, 06:49:40 AM
Post by: VANGUARD on January 30, 2011, 08:34:26 AM
I guess the only way I get it, is the Lord has saved people by having people on Earth the power and knowledge, etc to find (either by accident or not) people and rescue them.
As I believe, if someone rescues you, it's because God wanted you rescued.
If that's not how this joke was suppose to go, then.....I don't get it ???
Post by: NUMBERZero on January 30, 2011, 09:37:34 AM
This is one of my favorite jokes.
Post by: Shroudeye on January 30, 2011, 04:08:16 PM
The passengers thought that it was a prank, as the blind pilots entered the cabin. Then the airliner started taxiing to the runway, and stopped... And suddenly, the jet was running down the runway.
At first everyone onboard hold their breath, but as the end of the runway came closer, terror spread across everyone in the cabin. Everyone yelled in panic, as the pilots pulled the lever hard, and the plane lifted off, meters before the runway's end.
One of the pilots, sighing, said to the other:
-I thought they would never scream!!!
Post by: Shroudeye on February 10, 2011, 02:22:27 AM
-Here have a glass of this and relax, my son!
Young priest thanks the father, takes the bottle, and takes a glass, then a second, third... and he finishes all the bottle. Then he heads for the mass.
After the mass, he anxiously asks the father:
-Father, how was my mass?
The Father replies:
-Well son, it was okay but you have to take care of three things:
First, walk down the stairs when landing from the booth, do not slide down the railings.
Second, You have to make the audience say "Amen", not "Hurrah",
And last, Jesus Christ is son of Our Lord, NOT "Someone's ..." !!!
----------
A warship was travelling at a foggy night. Suddenly, a bright light appears dead ahead, seem to be moving toeards them.
Commander signals the unknown lightsource:
-Unknown Vessel, Change your heading 30 degrees east.
A reply returns immediately:
-We can't, change your heading to 30 degrees west.
Commander, annoyed, repeats the call:
-Change your heading 30 degrees east immediately, that is an ORDER.
-No, YOU are to change your heading 30 degrees WEST.
Commander, now frustrated, orders forward batteries to ready weapons. Then he announces:
-This is warship ButtHead, We order you to change your heading 30 degrees east, or BE DESTROYED.
-This is Lighthouse DickHead. Change your course or you are going to hit the rocks!!
:D:D:D:D
Post by: VANGUARD on February 10, 2011, 12:02:31 PM
they go back and forth, no you change, no you. one is saying they're a very special type ship, and the other must obey. so that's when the other says "we're a lighthouse. your turn."
Post by: TechPro on February 17, 2011, 07:55:12 AM
As the earthquake ceased and calm returned, the cows looked up to see that all the bulls were still standing. Not a single bull had fallen down. Curious how this could be, the cows asked the bulls "Why are you still standing? That earthquake made us all fall down."
Said the bulls, "We bulls wobble but we don't fall down..."
Post by: Shroudeye on February 17, 2011, 08:24:52 AM
At a good, clear afternoon, three bulls were "talking":
The eldest bull: "I heard that a new bull was coming to our farm. I have the half of the cows as my mate, If he tries to have them, he must pass ME first."
The middle-aged bull: "I got the one-third of all the cows, and I ain't givin' any of em!"
The teenage bull: "I have just a few cows myself..." but his words cut by the other two's laughter. At that time, they see the truck that brought the new bull. They watch curiously as the farmers open the crate-from which, a super-angry, muscular bull emerges.
The eldest bull: "Umm I think I can spare half of the cows that I mate..."
The mid-aged bull: "I can spare two-thirds of what I got..."
The teenage bull starts to kick the ground in display of rage: "I don't care about what he gets, as long as HE KNOWS THAT I AM A BULL!!!!"
Post by: Shroudeye on March 01, 2011, 05:25:06 AM
A man is walking through the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to devour her right in front the little girl's screaming parents.
The man runs to the cage, hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl and the man returns her to her terrified parents.
A reporter has seen the whole scene and says to the rescuer: 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'
'Why, it was nothing,' said the man. 'Really, the lion was behind bars and I knew God would protect me just as He did Daniel in the lions den long, long ago. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt was right.'
'I noticed a bible in your pocket. Are you a Republican,' asked the journalist.
'Yes, and I'm a Christian on my way to a bible study,' the man replies.
'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed... I'm a journalist and tomorrow's paper will have this on the front page. The journalist leaves.
The following morning the man buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on first page: "Right Wing Republican Christian Fundamentalist Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His Lunch."
Post by: VANGUARD on March 01, 2011, 07:31:11 AM
There was another, although it may have been on here, and I told him. I can't remember.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on March 01, 2011, 08:53:38 AM
Post by: Shroudeye on March 02, 2011, 01:40:50 AM
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
Post by: Kaiaatzl on March 02, 2011, 08:22:17 AM
Post by: Shroudeye on April 17, 2011, 06:32:04 AM
An idle guy was sitting in a corner at the SomewhereTown's bar. A famous Captain enters the bar, and everyone except this guy stands up and salutes him. Noticing that, the captain marches to this guy's table, halting almost on top of him like a giant, orders:
-You! Why haven't you stood up?
Our idler, slowly turns and faces the Captain, responds in a "drunken" voice:
-Why should I?
Captain, frustrated:
-Don't you know who am I?! I am Captain Whatsitname!!
Idler returns and asks:
-So what will you be when you promote?
Captain, puzzled:
-I'll be a Commodore.
-After then?
-Admiral.
-Then?
-Fleet Admiral.
-Then?
-I'll retire.
-And then?
-Nothing?!
-See? I already outrank you by now!
Post by: Matthew on April 19, 2011, 03:36:34 PM
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
Post by: Scyphi on April 20, 2011, 06:24:13 AM
Post by: VANGUARD on April 20, 2011, 07:04:38 AM
guy comes back in. 'drinks for everyone but not the bartender. he gets angry/cranky after too many drinks."
Post by: VANGUARD on April 21, 2011, 09:28:02 AM
"me"
funny, isn't it?
Post by: Shroudeye on April 21, 2011, 10:36:43 PM
A General was scheduled to check this Joker Brigade. One of the privates was konwn for his stupitidy, so the officers warn him:
-Now, private Hollowbark, there is a General coming to check us tomorrow. Its his habit to ask your age first, then how much years you've been in service. If he asks you, you will answer his first question "21", and his second "2". The rest, you can reply "Sir, yes sir!" Is that clear?
-Sir, yes sir!
So this private, practices these words overnight. Then in the morning, the general arrives, and picks our private:
-Young man, how much years you've been serving in this unit?
-21, SIR!
-Umm, how old are you, young man?
-2, SIR!
-Private, are you taunting me?!
-SIR, YES SIR!
-----
A representor of the insurance company was trying to convince the grunts to apply for their war insurance:
-So guys, you see that this insurance will repay you greatly: The government will pay a substantial money to your family, in the case of your martitm. if you do not apply for this insurance, and die in the field, your family will receive nothing. So who wants to be insured?
No one speaks, and looks the man as if he's mad.
The representor tries twice more, but to no avail. So he returns and prepares to leave, when this Corporal stops him:
-Let me try.
The representor, nods and gives way:
The Corporal:
-So you maggots heard the fat price our big boys pay for our heads, to our homers, if we insure our @$$?
The grunts nods, mumbling acknowledges
-So which guy you think, they send first to any battle?!
Post by: VANGUARD on April 22, 2011, 01:12:15 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on April 22, 2011, 02:36:25 PM
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife ..
Moral of the story: Women are not really smart, they just think they are.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humor.
Post by: Kaiaatzl on April 22, 2011, 09:55:35 PM
Post by: Pumo on April 23, 2011, 12:15:09 AM
here's a joke. get ready.......here it is. and the joke is...
"me"
funny, isn't it?
Good one. I'm gonna tell that one to my sister (where 'me' would be precisely me! lol :P ).
Post by: Shroudeye on April 23, 2011, 12:12:53 PM
Something I found on the net:
Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He
decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General
Motors. The comparison went like this: If automotive technology
had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you
would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top
speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that
weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either
case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50. In response to
all this goading, GM responds: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a
car that crashes twice a day?
Post by: NUMBERZero on April 23, 2011, 05:17:01 PM
Post by: Scyphi on April 24, 2011, 05:34:00 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on April 24, 2011, 06:32:04 AM
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on April 24, 2011, 06:37:16 AM
so they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she had ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says " your punishment for stepping on a duck is to be chain to this ugly man for eternity!"
The next day the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and St. Peter who doesn't miss a thing, chains her up with an extremely ugly man with the same admonishment as the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and not wishing to be chained to an ugly man for all eternity is very careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on, very tall, long eyelashes and muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, " I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Post by: Kaiaatzl on April 24, 2011, 09:10:19 PM
In paricular I know there are a lot of Germans and Aussies in this community.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'. Soon though, security levels may be raised again to 'Irritated' or even 'A bit cross'. The English have not been 'A bit cross' since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been reclassified from 'Tiresome' to 'A bloody nuisance'. The last time the British issued a 'Bloody nuisance' warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from 'Pissed off' to 'Let's get the bastards'. They don't have any other levels. This is wh they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised it's terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Collaborate' and 'Surrender'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from 'Shout loudly and excitedly' to 'Elaborate military posturing'. Two more levels remain: 'Ineffective combat operations' and 'Switch sides'.
The Germans have increased their alert state from 'Disdainful arrogance' to 'Dress in uniform and sing marching songs'. They also have two higher levels: 'Invade a neighbor' and 'Lose'.
Belgians on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. (I was struck by how much this sounds like Seth Myers).
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from 'No worries' to 'She'll be alright, mate'. Two more escalation levels remain: 'Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the baribie this weekend!' and 'The barbie is cancelled'. So far no situation has ever warranted the use of the final escalation level.
-John Cleese, British writer, actor, and tall person.
And speaking of Australia - HISTORY NIBBLES (like the son of a dingo): http://www.planetdescent.net/index.php?action=mgallery;sa=item;id=499 (http://www.planetdescent.net/index.php?action=mgallery;sa=item;id=499)
Post by: Matthew on April 24, 2011, 10:41:00 PM
The Americans raised their alert level from "ignore citizens" to "slightly annoy citizens". The 2 higher levels are "treat citizens as criminals" and "drop nuclear bomb".
Post by: -<WillyP>- on April 25, 2011, 05:38:19 AM
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, an American, a Kiwi and an Australian,were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The American woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Kiwi woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Australian woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been screwed?
The man broke into a big smile and said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
Post by: Scyphi on April 25, 2011, 06:27:20 AM
Post by: TechPro on April 25, 2011, 03:41:58 PM
Nothing for us Americans? :(But ... I thought Americans' alert level was "take more citizen's money" to "take the rest of citizen's money" ...
The Americans raised their alert level from "ignore citizens" to "slightly annoy citizens". The 2 higher levels are "treat citizens as criminals" and "drop nuclear bomb".
Post by: Foil on April 26, 2011, 07:36:50 AM
http://teamcoco.com/content/new-terror-alert-nicolas-cage-terror-alert (http://teamcoco.com/content/new-terror-alert-nicolas-cage-terror-alert)
The updated version is even better:
http://video.teamcoco.com/video/conan.jsp?oid=249280&eref=sharethisUrl (http://video.teamcoco.com/video/conan.jsp?oid=249280&eref=sharethisUrl)
:D
Post by: -<WillyP>- on May 05, 2011, 05:24:45 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on May 05, 2011, 05:37:25 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on May 11, 2011, 01:47:36 PM
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
Post by: -<WillyP>- on May 11, 2011, 01:55:19 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on May 11, 2011, 03:14:10 PM
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master!...The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
Post by: Scyphi on May 12, 2011, 08:23:40 AM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on May 12, 2011, 09:05:17 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gpjk_MaCGM (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gpjk_MaCGM)
You've probably already seen it :D.
Post by: Jeremy.west on May 16, 2011, 07:15:11 AM
Some other military joke...
A General was scheduled to check this Joker Brigade. One of the privates was konwn for his stupitidy, so the officers warn him:
-Now, private Hollowbark, there is a General coming to check us tomorrow. Its his habit to ask your age first, then how much years you've been in service. If he asks you, you will answer his first question "21", and his second "2". The rest, you can reply "Sir, yes sir!" Is that clear?
-Sir, yes sir!
So this private, practices these words overnight. Then in the morning, the general arrives, and picks our private:
-Young man, how much years you've been serving in this unit?
-21, SIR!
-Umm, how old are you, young man?
-2, SIR!
-Private, are you taunting me?!
-SIR, YES SIR!
Really funny one ha ha ha
Post by: -<WillyP>- on May 21, 2011, 01:59:51 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on May 23, 2011, 04:14:13 AM
Post by: Shroudeye on May 23, 2011, 07:52:10 AM
Post by: VANGUARD on May 23, 2011, 09:31:27 AM
Post by: Shroudeye on May 23, 2011, 01:06:12 PM
A guy orders a chainsaw that is told to be able to cut 500 trees in a day.
The 1st day, he could cut 50 trees. Second day, he downs 75. The third day, he barely cuts down 99.
Frustated, he calls the manufacturer. A technician comes in, takes the chainsaw, and pulls its line.
The machine roars, and our guy jumps:
-AAAARGH! WHAT WAS THAT?!
Post by: NUMBERZero on May 24, 2011, 10:21:23 AM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on May 24, 2011, 01:21:32 PM
Still doesn't make much sense.
Post by: Foil on May 24, 2011, 01:31:06 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on May 24, 2011, 01:53:48 PM
Anyway, here's an oldie, but, c'mon, there must be at least one person here who hasn't seen it: ;)
Dear Mrs. Samples:
Over the past six months, your husband, Royse Samples has been causing quite a commotion in our Lawton store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.
Three of our clerks are currently attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Samples have been compiled and are listed below.
Mr. Wally Brown
President and CEO
WalMart Complaint Department
MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Fenton — Complaints — Things Mr. Royse Samples has done while his wife was shopping:
1. November 15, 2005: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. November 23, 2005: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. December 10, 2005: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. December 23, 2005: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares!" ..... and watched what happened.
5. January 10, 2006: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-away.
6. January 23, 2006: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Feburary 15, 2006: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'd bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. March 5, 2006: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he threw himself down on the floor, began to cry and wailed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. March 26, 2006: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. April 2, 2006: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. April 15, 2006: Darted around the store, looking around suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. April 26, 2006: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. May 1, 2006: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, "PICK ME! — PICK ME!"
14. May 12, 2006: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, "NO! NO! Sheila! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last, but not least, just today....
15. May 16, 2006: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled very loudly, "Hey, Somebody! I need some toilet paper in here!"
Post by: VANGUARD on May 24, 2011, 03:14:37 PM
I think the guy hadn't turned the chainsaw on when he was cutting down the trees... ?
Still doesn't make much sense.
it makes sense, sort of. I know he had it off, but 100 trees one day? without it on?
Post by: VANGUARD on May 24, 2011, 03:17:37 PM
11. April 15, 2006: Darted around the store, looking around suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
15. May 16, 2006: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled very loudly, "Hey, Somebody! I need some toilet paper in here!"
these two sound familiar. the others, not so much.
Post by: Matthew on May 24, 2011, 05:01:37 PM
Post by: TechPro on May 24, 2011, 08:00:49 PM
Ooo! Can I be that one? Please? (I really had't seen it)
Anyway, here's an oldie, but, c'mon, there must be at least one person here who hasn't seen it: ;)
Post by: Kaiaatzl on May 25, 2011, 04:00:55 AM
...And that would be exactly why it's funny. :)
I didn't say anything to contradict that. ;D
Post by: Shroudeye on May 25, 2011, 05:06:29 AM
it makes sense, sort of. I know he had it off, but 100 trees one day? without it on?
Well, its called a joke, where a man can walk on the lake, and appear on the tomorrow's newspaper as a guy who does not know how to swim!
Post by: VANGUARD on May 25, 2011, 05:23:38 AM
it makes sense, sort of. I know he had it off, but 100 trees one day? without it on?
Well, its called a joke, where a man can walk on the lake, and appear on the tomorrow's newspaper as a guy who does not know how to swim!
I know, I take the fun out of everything :-[
I tell jokes, but I usually mess it up.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on May 25, 2011, 05:21:55 PM
(http://www.hyscience.com/osama_facebook.jpg)
Post by: Shroudeye on June 03, 2011, 06:29:15 PM
-Congratulations, sir. You have been awarded (A Fat)$ for being the 500th driver with sealtbelts fastened.
The driver:
-Thank you... I'll get myself a licence with that.
Officer, shocked:
-Sir, you don't have a driving licence?
Driver's wife, who was sitting at the front passenger seat, leans over:
-Don't mind him sir, he doesn't know what he says when he is drunk!
-AND you were driving under influence!?
The man at the back seat, sighing:
-I told you guys, that we can't go much far with a stolen car!
So the officer opens the door:
-Get out of the car please.
Suddenly, someone thumps the trunk:
-Hey guys, did we past the border yet?
Post by: Shroudeye on June 09, 2011, 07:22:04 PM
You enter a room:
Before you enter, you were Russian.
In it, you were European.
When you exit, You are Finnish.
What is this room?
(Highlight below for the answer!)
Bathroom!
Post by: -<WillyP>- on June 10, 2011, 08:30:59 AM
their faces. After the autopsy, the coroner calls the police to tell them
what happened to the victims.....
The Coroner tells the Inspector:
'First body: an Italian, age 60, died of heart failure while making love with his
mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'
'Second body: Scotsman, age 25, won 10 thousand bucks on the lottery,
spent it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'
The Inspector asks, 'What about the third body?'
'Ahhhhhh......,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Jim Bob Ray....
Redneck...., age 30,...... struck by lightning.'
'Why the heck is smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
Says the coroner.... 'He thought he was having his picture taken'.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on June 28, 2011, 07:31:13 AM
to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk
who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her
last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a
good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.
She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry
and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was
into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the
balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the
rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his
fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was
broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I
found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the
balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this
point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and
died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the
roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled
over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the
balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out
on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit
some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge
chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed
and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle
as he directs the man to the next room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He
apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
the fellows in here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'
in this cedar chest and....."
Post by: Scyphi on June 28, 2011, 08:22:05 AM
Sort of. :P
Post by: Matthew on June 28, 2011, 08:50:21 AM
Post by: Scyphi on June 29, 2011, 08:33:11 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on June 30, 2011, 10:06:10 AM
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the county government, " one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."
"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney is sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"
Post by: NUMBERZero on June 30, 2011, 01:46:37 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on June 30, 2011, 04:47:42 PM
(http://www.ahajokes.com/funnypics/pictures/Inexplicable/mathisgood.png)
Post by: -<WillyP>- on June 30, 2011, 05:15:09 PM
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Post by: -<WillyP>- on June 30, 2011, 05:28:39 PM
(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
Post by: -<WillyP>- on June 30, 2011, 05:46:37 PM
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."
Post by: Scyphi on June 30, 2011, 06:15:33 PM
Right click and view image:([url]http://www.ahajokes.com/funnypics/pictures/Inexplicable/mathisgood.png[/url])
I'm thinking that they're getting real frustrated by the end of that. :P But at least they pulled the car out finally. ;D
Post by: Matthew on June 30, 2011, 11:14:53 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 01, 2011, 03:32:59 AM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on July 01, 2011, 07:49:30 AM
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.Oh, the sarcasm.
---------------------------------------
(IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
Anyone here who's played D3 should know what IFF is... HINT: One of the robots has some bugs in his IFF!
Post by: TechPro on July 01, 2011, 08:24:16 AM
Hey, you talkin' about Sparky behind his/it's back??"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.Oh, the sarcasm.
---------------------------------------
(IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
Anyone here who's played D3 should know what IFF is... HINT: One of the robots has some bugs in his IFF!
Post by: SaladBadger on July 01, 2011, 08:37:50 AM
:P
Post by: Kaiaatzl on July 01, 2011, 02:28:57 PM
Hey, you talkin' about Sparky behind his/it's back??"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.Oh, the sarcasm.
---------------------------------------
(IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
Anyone here who's played D3 should know what IFF is... HINT: One of the robots has some bugs in his IFF!
Lol, but you're wrong... it's Stinger.
Post by: NUMBERZero on July 01, 2011, 03:07:16 PM
Post by: Scyphi on July 01, 2011, 03:33:52 PM
Post by: Matthew on July 02, 2011, 11:17:55 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 03, 2011, 05:20:23 AM
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 03, 2011, 05:21:21 AM
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"But why?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 03, 2011, 05:25:46 AM
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!"
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 03, 2011, 12:46:42 PM
The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 04, 2011, 07:19:23 PM
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand at one end of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other end, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Post by: Matthew on July 04, 2011, 11:13:17 PM
Post by: NUMBERZero on July 05, 2011, 01:20:24 AM
You could easily pull that off at TSA if they ever stop you to do a freaking r4nd0m check.
"1 billion dollars says that I have nothing on me and you are wasting my gorram time."
*finds nothing*
"Pay up."
Garunteed that they would never check if there was a risk like that involved. Bunch of annoying time wasters.
Anyone got any good jokes on TSA?
Post by: Wraith-1 on July 05, 2011, 12:25:07 PM
might make an interesting MPD thread, the MD wakes up and has to go through a patdown to get to his OWN pyro, they won't let him take his trusty laser rifle, ect.
http://politicalhumor.about.com/b/2010/11/24/top-10-tsa-jokes.htm
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 06, 2011, 07:21:08 AM
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up, our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
Post by: VANGUARD on July 06, 2011, 01:06:12 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 08, 2011, 05:04:20 AM
Ethan comes round to Seamus' widow's house to give her the bad news.
"I'm terribly sorry Katie but I'm afraid I've bad news. There was a bit of an accident at the brewery. Your dear Seamus didn't make it. I'm sorry."
Katie cried and cried and after a few minutes stopped sobbing long enough to ask, "How'd it happen Ethan?"
He told her of how Seamus slipped and fell into a vat of Guinness and eventually drowned to which Katie said, "Well if he had to go, at least he went fairly quickly."
"Well", said Ethan, "Not really. He got out to pee three times."
Post by: Scyphi on July 08, 2011, 05:41:21 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 08, 2011, 06:09:00 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 01, 2011, 12:52:11 PM
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian
guy, "you're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "you're in
charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy. "You're in charge of
supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys
to make a dent in that there pile of sand. So the foreman goes away for a
couple hours. When he returns, he sees the pile of sand is still
untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The
Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no getta broom. You tella the
Chinesea guy he inna charge ofa supplies, but he disappear and I could no-a
find him!"
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and asks "Didn't I tell you to
shovel?" The Scotsman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad, but I
couldna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinee in charge of supplies, but
I couldna find him!"
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand,
looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from
behind the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES!"
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 01, 2011, 12:53:01 PM
The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.
The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.
The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.
The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.
The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.
The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.
The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter. The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.
Post by: Kaiaatzl on August 01, 2011, 05:37:52 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 02, 2011, 07:55:52 AM
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN CANADIAN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come the winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
The CBC shows up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. Canadians are stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Then a representative of the NAGB (The national association of green bugs) shows up on The National and charges the ant with green bias, and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on the Nature of Things with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's not easy being green.
"Jean Chretien makes a special guest appearance on the CBC Evening News to tell a concerned public that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan/Thatcher summers. Sheila Copps exclaims in an interview with Peter Mansbridge that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."
Finally, the Liberals draft the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. John Turner gets his law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal hearing officers that Chretien appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3 PM.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Jean Chretien standing before a wildly applauding group of liberals announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in Canada.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 02, 2011, 08:30:40 AM
Then a voice at the back of the court says, ''You bastard.''
The judge continues, ''You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.''
Again the voice at the back of the court says, ''You bastard.''
The judge says, ''Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! What is the problem?''
The man at the back of the court says, ''Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and everytime I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!''
Post by: Kaiaatzl on August 02, 2011, 09:05:48 AM
MODERN CANADIAN VERSION
...Jean Chretien...
You don't need to put anything else there to make Canadians laugh.
Post by: Matthew on August 02, 2011, 03:39:37 PM
Post by: NUMBERZero on August 02, 2011, 03:48:08 PM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on August 02, 2011, 04:09:24 PM
Hey, I've got a joke. Modern Jean Chretien. LOLOLOLOLOL
That doesn't make Canadians laugh...
I didn't say what it was about those two quotes that did...
the idea that Americans still think Jean Chretien is prime minister of Canada
I doesn't have to be true
Post by: Matthew on August 02, 2011, 09:26:38 PM
Obama.... :-\
Post by: VANGUARD on August 03, 2011, 06:24:27 AM
Obama.... :-\
It's not a joke joke, well, sometimes yes. sometimes it's another type of joke. It's sort of like saying "Windows (almost any version) is a joke."
Post by: Matthew on August 03, 2011, 07:25:35 AM
Which is exactly why I had that reaction. Bringing up long-past politics is one thing, but current politics is not joke-thread material. I happen to think Obama is anything but a joke compared to Bush...Obama.... :-\
It's not a joke joke, well, sometimes yes. sometimes it's another type of joke. It's sort of like saying "Windows (almost any version) is a joke."
Post by: Kaiaatzl on August 03, 2011, 07:35:32 AM
Post by: VANGUARD on August 03, 2011, 07:39:47 AM
I don't get why some are so touchy on some subjects. I don't care if anyone, like Jay Leno, makes fun of politics. as long as it's tactful. I don't care if its liberals, conservatives. Bush or Obama, Cheney or Biden. if tactful, I don't mind.
I am not going to touch that political stuff, not on this thread.
Let's keep it a 'joke thread'
I forgot to type out a joke last night from my computer. But I moved, and no internet yet there.
Post by: VANGUARD on August 03, 2011, 07:42:00 AM
I happen to agree with that -- from a more international perspective -- Obama is the polar opposite of the "Bush disaster".
so higher unemployment and a debt ceiling that is being raised every minute is better than the "Bush disaster"?
sorry, had to say something. 14 trillion in debt is A LOT. he shot that thing up HIGH!
gas, electricity is shooting up.
this debt is like a credit card. the more you spend, the more you're in debt. stop spending and pay up and you won't be in so high of debt anymore.
Post by: Kaiaatzl on August 03, 2011, 07:55:39 AM
I do know about these other disasters but they don't have so much relevance to my life here in Canada, so they're the kind of thing I tend to forget when I'm not thinking about it.
Basically I'm not arguing with anyone who is living in the States and has that vantage point. So I'm not arguing with you. I'm speaking from an entirely different point of view, and about an entirely different facet of your political system.
Post by: Scyphi on August 03, 2011, 08:04:51 AM
As for presidents, Obama's okay. Definitely not perfect, and I don't agree with all of his plans, but there are definitely worse people out there who could've become president. Personally, I have more of a grudge against congress, which lately has been spending more time bickering with itself that actually doing work, and I think that's really Obama's biggest problem. He'd probably get a lot more done if he didn't have to be constantly deal with finicky congress...
And, to be fair, I think Bush wasn't quite as bad as everybody makes him out to be, and to be fair, most of the 'bad' things people associate with him isn't entirely his fault (rarely is, that's how the US government works).
And as for the issue of debt, it's been an issue for many decades now, so it's unfair to try and blame it on any one person. In all honesty, the government has spent most of it's time just trying to ignore it, hoping it will go away on it's own, only to just now finally realize that's not going to happen. As for the government's lack of action to try and fix that, I again point at congress, and not Obama. In fact, I thought Obama had the right ideas at first, but congress wouldn't go for it, and he was forced to compromise for something much less and insufficient.
But now that I've said that, let's get back to the jokes. Politics depresses me. :P
Post by: VANGUARD on August 03, 2011, 09:03:39 AM
who had the saying (and probably not word for word; sorry)
"Glass tastes a lot like blood."
I'm guessing it's one of three people, Scyphi, Kaiaatsel, and IHateHackers.
Post by: NUMBERZero on August 03, 2011, 10:32:54 AM
I remember that sig. I would bet my money on Scyphi.
Post by: Kaiaatzl on August 03, 2011, 12:25:54 PM
Oh, and on the topic of quotes... anyone who plays against me in Descent automatically has a mascot now... your mascot is a sick hedgehog.
Also, Pyrax will be a clan soon... as soon as Xaihyv, Klixovann, and I each finish writing a "Pyrax the short story". After that, anyone who wants to join the clan must simply provide us with their own "Pyrax the short story".
Post by: Matthew on August 03, 2011, 12:52:01 PM
Post by: VANGUARD on August 03, 2011, 01:21:14 PM
I know I had a few different names a while ago, I want to say one is Dark Knight, or Dark Warrior; guessing Dark warrior. but years have gone by, and still "Vanguard"
Post by: TechPro on August 03, 2011, 03:03:43 PM
A little web searching usually comes back with a DeviantArt user who has that in his signature ... But I haven't found any connections of that person to anything Descent.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 03, 2011, 04:16:32 PM
His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the Money!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."
Post by: Matthew on August 03, 2011, 10:22:18 PM
Post by: Shroudeye on August 04, 2011, 02:07:04 AM
Anyways, a quickie:
A blonde buys a BMW, and drives to a city 6 hours from where she lives. When returning, she calls her friends and asks them to greet her. So her friends prepare.
6 hours pass after her call, yet she doesn't show up.
At the end of the day, she is still nowhere to be found.
Another day passes, then another. Finally she arrives.
Her friends, puzzled:
-How could it took 6 hours for you to go, but 3 days to return?!
The blonde:
-It wasn't my fault, it was a design error! There were 6 forward gear, but just ONE reverse!
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 04, 2011, 05:10:04 AM
Post by: VANGUARD on August 04, 2011, 06:15:26 AM
An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the Money!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."
don't take it personally, I had to read it twice. It's one of those days where my mind is on idle.
it's a good way to get things done; the joke; digging.
Post by: Scyphi on August 04, 2011, 06:50:17 AM
On another note, have you EVER had a sig, IHateHackers? Because now that I think about it, I don't think you ever had.
Post by: Matthew on August 04, 2011, 07:40:14 AM
Post by: VANGUARD on August 04, 2011, 08:58:20 AM
Mac Forums: nothing
Mandriva: Avatar (Mandriva penguin)
Penumbra: Avatar (Vanguard name in red; black background, same as I had on here)
Planet Descent: Avatar, profile; signature
i think that's it. Each avatar is different. All the same username though, Vanguard.
The other signature I remembered went something like,
"Online; men are men, women are men, and the children are the F.B.I."
Post by: SaladBadger on August 04, 2011, 09:31:04 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 16, 2011, 12:28:55 PM
Post by: VANGUARD on August 16, 2011, 12:44:33 PM
I have the internet at my house; will paste that joke later tonight; unless I forget of course.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 16, 2011, 01:43:54 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 16, 2011, 01:47:56 PM
Post by: VANGUARD on August 16, 2011, 03:09:13 PM
Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".
Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land!
Furthermore, I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc... I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 16, 2011, 03:26:39 PM
This old guy had his dream home in Florida, fruit trees, pond etc.
One day he was going to gather some fruit down by his pond with a 5 gal bucket, when he heard the laughter of what seemed to be girls down by his pond. As he got closer, he noticed that they were skinny-dipping.
One of the girls noticed him, and they all went to a deeper part of the pond. One of the girls yelled "We are not getting out of here until you leave!"
The old man replied, holding up the bucket: "I did not come down here to see you dipping or to watch you get out. I came down to feed the gators!!"
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 16, 2011, 04:19:18 PM
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and he ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!"says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 16, 2011, 04:32:42 PM
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit.
I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
Post by: VANGUARD on August 16, 2011, 07:35:27 PM
Post by: Scyphi on August 17, 2011, 07:30:18 AM
Post by: VANGUARD on August 17, 2011, 07:35:34 AM
Post by: Scyphi on August 17, 2011, 07:48:49 AM
Post by: VANGUARD on August 17, 2011, 07:56:25 AM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on August 17, 2011, 08:25:27 AM
Even considering the Harper.
If you don't like your world you should come to mine... ::)
Stephen Harper could be compared to Wheatly on some things I guess. Both renamed something after themselves before they focused on the bigger issues.
But Harper is too smart for his own good. His problem is he's such a weasel.
The infuriating thing is how he's actually got stuff done. Like practically averting the recession in Canada.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 17, 2011, 12:53:20 PM
Post by: VANGUARD on August 17, 2011, 12:58:05 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 17, 2011, 01:43:48 PM
Post by: Scyphi on August 18, 2011, 07:00:17 AM
Quote from: wazzazzle
If you don't like your world you should come to mine...
In all seriousness, there have been times lately when I've been tempted to consider doing just that. The only problem is that I have no guarantee I'd like where I'd end up more than the US.
Post by: Kaiaatzl on August 18, 2011, 09:03:29 AM
With my crazed image here, "my world" may not exactly be the "real world".
But all that aside, I like where I live and I wouldn't want to live anywhere else.
Post by: Shroudeye on August 18, 2011, 12:01:41 PM
-Hey, congrats for the baby! So you are a father now, eh?
-Yea... I got babies!
-Whoa, Twins?
-No, Triplets...
-Aww. wouldn't it be a little... hard?
-My wife was watching the Three Musketeers that night... do you think it had an influence?
-I don't- OH MY GOD! *quickly gets up and rushes to the door*
-Hey, where are you going!?
-To home! My wife is watching the Forty Thieves!!
Post by: VANGUARD on August 18, 2011, 12:16:08 PM
but.
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2012!
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 23, 2011, 07:12:07 PM
2. Put them on front porch with a ragged copy of Guns & Ammo.
3. Put some giant dog dishes next to boots & magazines.
4. Leave note on your door: "Bubba: Me & Bertha went for more ammo & beer. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they tore the mailman up bad this morning. I don't think Killer took part; hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back!
Post by: Shroudeye on August 24, 2011, 07:03:59 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 24, 2011, 03:30:34 PM
Post by: DarkWing on August 24, 2011, 03:39:55 PM
Post by: VANGUARD on August 24, 2011, 03:40:06 PM
Crome?
Opera
Safari
Internet Explorer
too easy ;D
Post by: VANGUARD on August 24, 2011, 03:40:59 PM
Post by: SaladBadger on August 24, 2011, 06:08:17 PM
Post by: Scyphi on August 25, 2011, 06:44:59 AM
Post by: VANGUARD on August 25, 2011, 07:33:02 AM
Post by: TechPro on August 25, 2011, 04:02:21 PM
The Weather Channel says the east coast earthquake was caused by an unknown faultline running under D.C. and through Virginia. It is now being called Obama's Fault, though Obama will say it's really Bush's Fault. Other theories are that it was the Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves, or that what we all believed to be an earthquake was actually the effect of a 14.6 trillion dollar check bouncing in Washington.
Post by: NUMBERZero on August 25, 2011, 09:35:16 PM
Post by: Matthew on August 26, 2011, 08:20:23 AM
Post by: TechPro on August 30, 2011, 12:44:23 PM
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked-geek.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a horse’s behind.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first… then started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn’t care, my car was parked around the corner.
Post by: VANGUARD on August 30, 2011, 12:55:06 PM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on August 30, 2011, 01:53:44 PM
Conspiracy experts say the 14.6 Trillion dollar check make me hiding inside the walls of the empire state building. Engineers merely shook their heads, saying that the check is far too large for be hidden.
May be?
Post by: Matthew on August 30, 2011, 03:13:54 PM
And techpro, you've posted that before :P
Post by: Kaiaatzl on August 30, 2011, 03:32:38 PM
Post by: TechPro on August 30, 2011, 09:13:21 PM
Um, yeah, noticed that right before you saw your post.
And techpro, you've posted that before :P
I did? I don't think so ... perhaps it was WillyP ...
Holy cow, I did! (http://www.planetdescent.net/index.php?topic=266.msg3181#msg3181). OK, here's another joke:
-------------
After a day fishing in the ocean, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He's approached by the game warden, who asks him for his fishing license. Not having one, the fisherman says to the warden, "I didn't catch
these lobsters. They're my pets. Every day, I take them down to the water for a swim. Then, when it's time to go home, I whistle, and the lobsters jump back into the bucket."
The warden doesn't believe him and reminds the fisherman that it's illegal to fish without a license.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me, watch." He throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "OK, now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they can jump out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and asks, "What lobsters?"
Post by: Matthew on August 30, 2011, 09:35:36 PM
After a day fishing in the ocean, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He's approached by the game warden, who asks him for his fishing license. Not having one, the fisherman says to the warden, "I didn't catch;D
these lobsters. They're my pets. Every day, I take them down to the water for a swim. Then, when it's time to go home, I whistle, and the lobsters jump back into the bucket."
The warden doesn't believe him and reminds the fisherman that it's illegal to fish without a license.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me, watch." He throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "OK, now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they can jump out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and asks, "What lobsters?"
Post by: Scyphi on August 31, 2011, 07:00:35 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on September 02, 2011, 10:51:56 AM
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon .... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "
"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees . . .
Ees . . .
Ees . . .
Ees . . .
Ees a ham bush...."
SO SORRY I know there is something wrong with me for sending you this. Just couldn't help it! The little voices made me do it !!!
And I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you - I know you did!
Post by: TechPro on September 02, 2011, 11:07:31 AM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on September 02, 2011, 05:22:49 PM
http://www.explosm.net/comics/2229/ (http://www.explosm.net/comics/2229/)
Post by: TechPro on September 13, 2011, 12:45:56 PM
"No," says the cop.
"What about all these other cars?"
"They didn't ask."
Post by: Matthew on September 13, 2011, 11:40:24 PM
Post by: blessu on September 14, 2011, 05:39:27 AM
Post by: Wraith-1 on September 14, 2011, 08:24:21 AM
...must be time for descent...
Post by: Matthew on September 14, 2011, 08:25:51 AM
Post by: VANGUARD on September 14, 2011, 08:40:23 AM
I had one typed out, but my boss was ready to help me on something. then I lost what I was writing. It was only a few words.
Anyway,
Doctor is running around. working up a sweat. Something must have been bugging him, because he was all restless.
Finally, he was done with a patient, and had to breath for a moment. He then said,
"I need patience!"
then a nurse said,
"Oh good! We have a couple patients right here for you."
kind of funny, kind of dumb.
Post by: NUMBERZero on September 14, 2011, 11:31:35 AM
I always recognize 1032 and think about Descent every time.
Post by: VANGUARD on September 14, 2011, 11:57:38 AM
I understand TP's joke
Post by: Scyphi on September 15, 2011, 08:55:40 AM
It took Vanguard's explanation before I got Wraith's. :P
Post by: -<WillyP>- on September 24, 2011, 05:53:37 AM
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemosabe, look towards sky; what you see?". The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of Galaxies.Time wise, it appears to be a quarter-past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?"
"That you dumber than buffalo dung. Someone stole tent."
Post by: Matthew on September 24, 2011, 07:08:10 AM
Post by: VANGUARD on September 24, 2011, 07:34:33 AM
Better as Watson and Holmes, tbh. But still funny. :D
ditto.
a test to see how aware your partner is :)
Post by: -<WillyP>- on September 24, 2011, 07:41:54 AM
The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'
The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'
The old guy says.... . 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'
Most Old timers are helpful like that!
Post by: -<WillyP>- on September 27, 2011, 05:09:48 AM
Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"
"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. White exclaims, "He's pissing in the fridge again... damn it.."
Upon hearing that my elderly grandfather had just passed away, I went straight to my grandmom's house to visit my 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When I asked how my grandfather had died, grandma replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, I told my grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along!"
Post by: Foil on September 27, 2011, 06:59:02 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on September 27, 2011, 11:02:01 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on September 28, 2011, 06:58:18 AM
Post by: VANGUARD on September 28, 2011, 07:06:32 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on September 28, 2011, 07:30:46 AM
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no..
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Post by: Alieo on November 08, 2011, 05:25:22 PM
Because she thought her a** was out of this world!
Post by: -<WillyP>- on November 09, 2011, 05:46:19 AM
Post by: Ziqidel on November 12, 2011, 08:11:32 AM
Pessimist: "Only fools are positive!"
Optimist: "Are you sure?"
Pessimist: "I'm positive!"
One of the only puns that has ever made me laugh (in the context):-
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Some of my own:-
Ann: "Can I ask you a question?"
Bob: "Just the one."
Ann: "What's your favourite colour?"
Bob: "I said you could only ask 1 question!"
Guy: "You don't know you're beautiful. That's what makes you beautiful"
Gal: "Thank you!"
Guy: "But now you do know you're beautiful, that makes you ugly"
New religion: Veriance Version 3 - story below:-
The God of Control challenged the other 9 gods and goddesses to scare him.
The Goddess of Mystery revealed all the truth to him, but he didn't notice anything particularly disturbing, so that didn't work.
The God of Epicness removed all the epicness from the multiverse, but then he thought everything was all a big joke, so that didn't work.
The Goddess of Intelligence made him stupid, but he didn't care, so that didn't work.
The God of Fun took all the fun out of everything, but that made things extra epic, so that didn't work.
The Goddess of Souls made him lonely, but he meditated, so that didn't work.
The God of Life gave him a deadly disease, and although he suffered, he didn't fear it, for he knew that "Death is only the beginning", so that didn't work.
The Goddess of Force removed all forces from having an affect on him, but he enjoyed the vertigo, so that didn't work.
The God of Power made everything motionless, dark and silent, but he waited patiently, so that didn't work.
The Goddess of Nature caused random things to happen, but scaring the God of Control was not one of them, so that didn't work.
The God of Control then said, "If none of you can scare me, I'll have to scare myself", so he made the universe, where we have mystery, epicness, intelligence, fun, souls, life, forces, power and nature, but NO CONTROL. He was in for a hard time!
Post by: VANGUARD on November 12, 2011, 12:36:36 PM
guy #1: "This isn't going to work."
guy #2: "You have to think positive."
guy #1: "Okay, I am positive this won't work."
Post by: Shroudeye on November 14, 2011, 03:40:52 PM
One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.
At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.
The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.
The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.
The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he yelled toward the target area...
"It's leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!"
Post by: -<WillyP>- on November 16, 2011, 05:56:59 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on November 21, 2011, 07:14:29 AM
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a "slide-rule" and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "Al-Gebra has terrorized many young people for years. They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle.'" When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."
Post by: Shroudeye on November 23, 2011, 05:52:45 AM
MOD EDIT: Done.
(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_GVA115I1I8Y/TMGTPsbyLTI/AAAAAAAABG0/WwIsKeXVGo0/s400/Math-)
Post by: Scyphi on November 23, 2011, 08:56:29 AM
Well, that's a relief. :P
Post by: VANGUARD on November 23, 2011, 12:31:48 PM
EDIT: Ooops. I accidentaly added a new thread. Mods, please move and add this one to joke thread...
MOD EDIT: Done.
([url]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_GVA115I1I8Y/TMGTPsbyLTI/AAAAAAAABG0/WwIsKeXVGo0/s400/Math-[/url])
I really don't get it. I guess I need to know math.
Post by: Shroudeye on November 23, 2011, 12:52:50 PM
A mathematician and an engineer are sitting at a table drinking when a very beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the bar.
The mathematician sighs. "I'd like to talk to her, but first I have to cover half the distance between where we are and where she is, then half of the distance that remains, then half of that distance, and so on. The series is infinite. There'll always be some finite distance between us."
The engineer gets up and starts walking. "Ah, well, I figure I can get close enough for all practical purposes."
Post by: Matthew on November 24, 2011, 09:56:13 AM
Post by: SaladBadger on November 24, 2011, 09:58:03 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on November 28, 2011, 06:49:29 AM
(http://inlinethumb51.webshots.com/49010/2656730250052071584S600x600Q85.jpg)
Post by: -<WillyP>- on December 24, 2011, 08:16:39 PM
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
Post by: Scyphi on December 25, 2011, 02:53:38 PM
Post by: TechPro on December 25, 2011, 03:28:23 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on January 01, 2012, 10:22:23 AM
In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them. Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.
It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives.. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Wella ,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti , the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck.
Post by: TechPro on January 23, 2012, 08:42:58 AM
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
Post by: DarkWing on January 23, 2012, 10:47:09 AM
And I'm wondering, when Abraham and Dot Com banged on the drums, did the emails “Passover?”
Post by: -<WillyP>- on January 26, 2012, 05:39:06 AM
Post by: Pumo on January 26, 2012, 09:44:58 AM
(will add it to my Star Wars pic collection). 8)
Post by: -<WillyP>- on January 31, 2012, 07:31:55 AM
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........".
The authorities think she may have been pushed.
Post by: Alieo on February 07, 2012, 03:20:54 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on February 17, 2012, 09:34:58 AM
Brunette: "I'll bet you $20 he's going to jump."
Blonde: "Okay."
(then back to the newscast.)
He jumps.
Blonde: "Okay, here's my $20."
Brunette: "No, that was too easy, I can't take your money."
Blonde: "I insist. I lost!"
Brunette: "I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6 o'clock news and knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a fair bet."
Blonde: "I know I saw it too! I just can't believe he jumped again!"
Post by: CrazyEnzo03 on February 17, 2012, 09:28:04 PM
Post by: NUMBERZero on February 17, 2012, 09:42:00 PM
Post by: Alieo on March 17, 2012, 04:15:45 PM
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,"If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"More sighs and loud applause.
Joe Tavares stands up and says, "If the preacher stays I will provide him with all the wine he wants."
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?" Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding hisforehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw him!'"
Post by: -<WillyP>- on March 27, 2012, 11:27:32 AM
Jack goes quail hunting before school,
pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2012 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2012 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark.
Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario:
Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2012 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie.
Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car
and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal,
goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2012 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse.
Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang.
State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers
being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2012 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations.
Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2012 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally
explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.
ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system
and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum.
Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July,
puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2012- BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called.
Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents,
siblings removed from home, computers confiscated,
Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list
and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2012 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.
She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
1958: CEO of company bankrupts business. He resigns in shame and gives up options package.
2012: CEO of company bankrupts entire industry. He is given bonuses upwards of $500 million, plus a retirement plan for himself and his wife. He also goes to Washington to ask for more money to save the industry he is in. He is seen as a great success and meets with the President.
Post by: Kaiaatzl on March 27, 2012, 01:56:23 PM
...
...
>...this seems more political than humourous. Are you trying to make a statement? Because trying to make a political statement... in the joke thread... seems... I dunno. I don't want to say it.
No, my capitalisation and punctuation are entirely correct.
Post by: DarkWing on March 27, 2012, 03:47:11 PM
Post by: NUMBERZero on March 27, 2012, 04:11:37 PM
Post by: VANGUARD on March 27, 2012, 04:30:51 PM
We can move on, and come up with some other jokes.
Post by: TechPro on March 27, 2012, 07:21:15 PM
Mom: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
Son: "But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
Mom: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
Son: "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"
Mom: "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
Son: "Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
Mom: "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"
-------------------------------------------
Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!' "
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Post by: Kaiaatzl on March 28, 2012, 05:41:32 AM
Post by: TechPro on March 31, 2012, 01:42:30 PM
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."
Post by: Alieo on March 31, 2012, 10:15:14 PM
Post by: Matthew on March 31, 2012, 11:41:38 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on April 01, 2012, 05:52:09 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on April 01, 2012, 07:08:34 AM
Google Maps for 8-bit NES... April Fools!
Post by: TechPro on April 01, 2012, 11:04:03 AM
Introducing Shapes by Toshiba -- Official TV Commercial (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tm47qmgffs8#ws)
And product link: http://us.toshiba.com/shapes/ (http://us.toshiba.com/shapes/)
Post by: -<WillyP>- on April 01, 2012, 12:54:22 PM
Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this
so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer.
Do you have a room where you change your clothes
in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, ... I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'
Q: You trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
Post by: Scyphi on April 02, 2012, 06:23:46 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on April 02, 2012, 06:38:10 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on April 19, 2012, 07:57:57 AM
The Taliban commander quickly sent 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle broke out and continued for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then called out, "One Marine is better than a hundred Taliban soldiers."
Furious, the Taliban commander sent his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commenced. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The voice called out again, "One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban."
The enraged Taliban commander mustered a thousand fighters and sent them over the dune. Cannon, rocket, and machine gun fire rang out as a huge battle is fought.
Then silence.
Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawled back over the dune and with his dying words told his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There are two of them."
Post by: Kaiaatzl on April 19, 2012, 08:03:10 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on April 19, 2012, 09:14:15 AM
(https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-793nyEQyVZ0/T49CgESRHoI/AAAAAAAAC7s/IWer9X-OYeI/s864/humour-747-navette.jpeg)
Post by: Scyphi on April 19, 2012, 11:41:08 AM
Post by: Alieo on April 19, 2012, 09:58:09 PM
Post by: Scyphi on April 20, 2012, 08:34:50 AM
Post by: Alieo on April 20, 2012, 01:51:25 PM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on April 20, 2012, 01:55:11 PM
Did I say ship?
Post by: Scyphi on April 21, 2012, 08:28:53 AM
Post by: TechPro on April 24, 2012, 03:14:07 PM
While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry," said the auctioneer,
"He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
Post by: TechPro on May 17, 2012, 08:25:03 AM
Post by: Alieo on May 17, 2012, 11:47:52 AM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on May 17, 2012, 12:58:50 PM
Post by: Alieo on May 17, 2012, 12:59:39 PM
Post by: TechPro on May 17, 2012, 01:46:41 PM
Post by: VANGUARD on May 17, 2012, 05:14:48 PM
([url]http://wizbangblog.com/images/DearMath.jpg[/url])
nice! t-shirt, me, want!
Post by: -<WillyP>- on May 23, 2012, 07:28:43 AM
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody standing around was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but...but I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for all of us here:
*Don't be arrogant.
*Don't waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*Always make sure you know who is in control.
*And finally, don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on May 23, 2012, 07:47:57 AM
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell ® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 ® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop ® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ... Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot ® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL ® database through an ODBC connected Excel ® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry ® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet ® printer, turns to the cowboy and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.
AND THAT - FOLKS, IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on May 23, 2012, 07:54:12 AM
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting all the firewood they can find'
Post by: CrazyEnzo03 on June 03, 2012, 03:15:30 PM
MAMA'S BIBLE
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors
and lawyers.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They
discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved
to Florida .
The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."
The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know
she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this
preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took
ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it
Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out
her "Thank You" notes.
She wrote: Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one
room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can
hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing,
and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the
same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give
a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious Thank you so much."
Love, Mama
Post by: TechPro on June 28, 2012, 04:50:49 AM
Vel-crows
;D
Post by: -<WillyP>- on June 28, 2012, 05:57:44 AM
The Taliban commander quickly sent 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle broke out and continued for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then called out, "One Marine is better than a hundred Taliban soldiers."
Furious, the Taliban commander sent his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commenced. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The voice called out again, "One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban."
The enraged Taliban commander mustered a thousand fighters and sent them over the dune. Cannon, rocket, and machine gun fire rang out as a huge battle is fought.
Then silence.
Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawled back over the dune and with his dying words told his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There are two of them."
Post by: -<WillyP>- on June 28, 2012, 09:05:54 AM
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second .... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
Post by: Matthew on June 28, 2012, 02:57:09 PM
Post by: TechPro on June 28, 2012, 08:37:31 PM
Post by: Foil on June 29, 2012, 06:37:25 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 10, 2012, 07:54:44 AM
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’ The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’ Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator…’ Some men can still think fast…
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 14, 2012, 09:10:18 AM
However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost “I mean no harm – I just want your photograph”. The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines – he posed for a number of ghostly shots.
The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.
So what’s the moral of the story?
The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 14, 2012, 09:20:33 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 14, 2012, 10:22:16 AM
Post by: TechPro on July 14, 2012, 11:14:12 AM
Post by: VANGUARD on July 14, 2012, 01:31:35 PM
Post by: Matthew on July 14, 2012, 07:47:21 PM
Post by: Scyphi on July 15, 2012, 05:38:33 AM
Post by: VANGUARD on July 15, 2012, 05:52:28 AM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on July 15, 2012, 07:14:37 AM
I don't get the ghost one at all.
You should be so lucky.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 15, 2012, 07:45:49 AM
Post by: Matthew on July 15, 2012, 02:57:19 PM
([url]http://i.imgur.com/jFJz9.jpg[/url])Sadly my dogs (or at least one of them) is too smart for that.
Post by: Alieo on July 17, 2012, 02:18:55 PM
The bear asked the rabbit, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
"No," answered the rabbit.
Then the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped its butt with the rabbit.
Post by: TechPro on July 17, 2012, 03:24:28 PM
An Investigator !!!
Post by: TechPro on July 18, 2012, 03:41:06 PM
Click Here (http://thereifixedit.failblog.org/2012/07/18/white-trash-repairs-you-know-what-up-yours-too-building-management/)
Post by: Scyphi on July 19, 2012, 09:15:21 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 20, 2012, 04:37:18 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 26, 2012, 05:10:27 AM
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Brown Hill Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
Post by: Foil on July 26, 2012, 06:31:41 AM
Post by: TechPro on August 07, 2012, 08:55:45 PM
Would it be Holy Guacamole?
Post by: Scyphi on August 08, 2012, 06:49:30 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 20, 2012, 04:50:46 AM
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching in his rear pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this freakin badge?, This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.....On any land,!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?...do you understand?.... I nodded politely and apologized, and went about my chores.
A short time later, I hear loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull....With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he would get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs... "Your badge, show him your freakin badge!!"
Post by: Foil on August 20, 2012, 12:34:29 PM
Post by: Wraith-1 on August 21, 2012, 01:28:52 AM
(http://i1058.photobucket.com/albums/t414/Magnesiumdude/mostinterestingpilot.jpg)
Post by: Scyphi on August 21, 2012, 06:48:32 AM
Post by: CrazyEnzo03 on August 21, 2012, 08:55:09 AM
A bear and a rabbit were shitting in the woods.That one's not.. "clean"..
The bear asked the rabbit, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
"No," answered the rabbit.
Then the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped its butt with the rabbit.
Post by: Matthew on August 21, 2012, 09:26:37 AM
Nevermind, I see what you did thar...
Post by: VANGUARD on August 21, 2012, 09:27:23 AM
Post by: TechPro on August 21, 2012, 07:15:18 PM
It got clean at the end. ;D... for the bear.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 24, 2012, 09:47:09 AM
Well, the wounded duck then falls out of the sky and hits the neighboring farmhouse roof and then falls in their front lawn. The man walks over and is about to grab the duck when he hears someone yell "Hey, you leave that duck alone!"
The city man looks up and sees the farmer on his porch.
"I just shot this duck, so it's mine" says the city man.
"Ha, you don't know much about land laws, do ya boy? That duck is on my property, so its mine." responded the farmer. "But if you want it we can settle this country style."
"Country Style?" asked the city man.
The farmer explained, "It's where we kick each other in the crotch until one of us can't get up. Then whoever is left gets the duck." "Well alright," goes the city man.
"I'm first" the farmer says, then BLAM!!! He kicks the city man right in the junk.
After about 20min of rolling around, moaning, and a few tears, the city man gets up and says "Well, I guess it's my turn!"
The farmer says "Nah, you can keep the duck."
BuddyHackett - Duck Story (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdzRA2uJ5Zw#)
Post by: Matthew on August 24, 2012, 08:44:08 PM
Post by: Scyphi on August 27, 2012, 06:14:41 PM
I was passing the kitchen just in time to see he was in the fridge and was in the process of putting the lid back on the pickle jar, presumably because he had just gotten a pickle and had already eaten it. He then closes the fridge and proceeds in my direction.
Just to acknowledge that I had seen him do this, I said, "So, enjoy the pickle?"
Probably because he knew he hadn't actually gotten permission to get the pickle in the first place, he immediately denies it, saying, "Uh, no, I didn't, I was just checking to make sure the lid to the pickle jar was on tight."
Knowing full well that this wasn't true, and that he had no other reason to be in the fridge, I just concluded, "You enjoyed the pickle, then."
Again, he denies it. "No, I didn't!"
I reply, "C'mon, nobody opens the fridge just to check if the pickle jar lid is on tight!"
His response: "Well, somebody's gotta do it!"
Despite wanting to, I had a hard time trying to argue that point and gave it up.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 28, 2012, 03:05:36 PM
Post by: DarkWing on August 28, 2012, 03:42:51 PM
Post by: Scyphi on September 24, 2012, 06:45:02 AM
(http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120923114759/mlp/images/d/d6/The_Most_Powerful_Element.jpg)
Post by: TechPro on October 29, 2012, 03:53:20 PM
------------------------
While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where
St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning,
Today, you voted.."
Post by: TechPro on November 30, 2012, 02:58:33 PM
1. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
2. He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.
3. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
4. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
5. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
6. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
7. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
8. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
9. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
10. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
11. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
12. The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
13. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
14. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
15. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at asolar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
16. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
17. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
18. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
19. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
20. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
21. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
22. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
23. Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
24. He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that hunts dogs, I suppose.
25. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
26. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
27. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
28. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
29. “Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
31. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
32. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
33. The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
34. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
35. Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”
36. The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
37. The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
38. She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
39. Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.
40. Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very often.
41. They were as good friends as the people on “Friends.”
42. Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein’s Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances.
43. The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.
44. He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo.
45. The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747.
46. Her eyes were shining like two marbles that someone dropped in mucus and then held up to catch the light.
47. The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of drachmas.
48. I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.
49. She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can’t sing worth a damn.
50. Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
51. It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
52. Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
53. You know how in “Rocky” he prepares for the fight by punching sides of raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was in.
54. The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
55. Her lips were red and full, like tubes of blood drawn by an inattentive phlebotomist.
56. The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 10 percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent black.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on November 30, 2012, 09:21:36 PM
I especially liked numbers 1 through 56.
Post by: Scyphi on December 01, 2012, 08:47:32 AM
Post by: VANGUARD on December 01, 2012, 12:37:15 PM
I could almost see this as being good, sort of..
8. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Sounds like a Monty Python skit; from Flying Circus.
28. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
I could almost hear Leslie Nelson use this line in a comedy, like Naked Gun.
31. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
This really made me smile :)
32. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
This is bad too, lol. Not wedding bells? No. The sound a garbage truck makes when backing up.
45. The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747.
This sounds good. Does it not? Would I use it? I doubt, but it does explain it I suppose.
51. It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
This is good if left to the imagination. I guess.
Some were more than just bad. Those that can't really explain it. "Don't know the name, sounds German." or "like whatever".
Why don't I write? Finished a book once, 6 pages long. yeah.....
Post by: Kaiaatzl on December 01, 2012, 01:32:59 PM
Quote
9. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.That would be perfect writing. Not bad at all, just hysterical.
And I saw a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy analogy... not exactly the same but come on.
Post by: Scyphi on December 02, 2012, 09:38:18 AM
Other are just bad, though. Like 6, 28, 32, maybe 51 depending on the context, etc. But that's why they're hilarious. :P
Quote from: Vanguard
Why don't I write? Finished a book once, 6 pages long. yeah.....
Sounds like the first completed story I ever wrote. It had ten chapters and a prologue and an epilogue, a full-length story and everything...and it totaled to 13 pages. :P Nonetheless, I was pretty proud of that first work at the time, so much so I started work on a sequel (never finished it, though, I eventually wised up).
Post by: NUMBERZero on December 02, 2012, 04:23:46 PM
I started again with a second story and ended up writing more words than the first Harry Potter book (76,944). I did another and that ended up with more words than even the third Harry Potter book (107,253) :P
Post by: Kaiaatzl on December 02, 2012, 06:49:41 PM
Or coming up with plotlines for short stories and then writing them as songs instead because I don't feel like spending a month writing a short story.
Xaihyv and I will be co-writing a novel and coordinating an anthology soon though.
It's about time this thread gets derailed.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on December 07, 2012, 04:02:57 AM
Post by: Scyphi on December 07, 2012, 10:04:00 AM
And I've written longer works, actually.
...
What? Just because my first attempts weren't anything to look at, didn't mean I didn't learn from it. ;)
Post by: Sapphirus on December 12, 2012, 07:26:49 PM
(for those who don't play Skyrim, you will NEVER get this joke)
Post by: Scyphi on December 13, 2012, 07:45:18 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on December 14, 2012, 11:54:10 AM
before his congregation to ask for a raise. After much discussion, they passed
a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After six children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional
children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a
gift from God," he said.
Silence fell on the assembled crowd. In the back pew, a little old
lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is a gift from God, too,
but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the Congregation said, "Amen."
Post by: -<WillyP>- on December 14, 2012, 06:13:30 PM
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."
Post by: -<WillyP>- on December 14, 2012, 06:19:13 PM
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on December 14, 2012, 06:29:01 PM
Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs her teat and pulls ... the cow farts. Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does squirt out however, so after some discussion Ole decides to buy the cow.
When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."
Sven reaches down, pulls her teat - and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?"
Ole is so surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. "Yah, dats right ......... But how did you know?"
"My wife's from Nordakota."
Post by: Matthew on December 17, 2012, 11:17:07 AM
Raise your hand if you read the farmer one in the most minnesOta accent you could muster o/
Post by: VANGUARD on December 17, 2012, 11:25:27 AM
Post by: Matthew on December 17, 2012, 11:26:44 AM
I don't really understand the second one, about the hearing.The preacher thought he meant hearing as in the things on the side of your head. What he actually meant was a hearing as in a legal proceeding.
Post by: Foil on December 17, 2012, 11:46:23 AM
Post by: VANGUARD on December 17, 2012, 11:57:57 AM
I don't really understand the second one, about the hearing.The preacher thought he meant hearing as in the things on the side of your head. What he actually meant was a hearing as in a legal proceeding.
that kind of hearing. thanks.
Post by: Matthew on December 18, 2012, 05:53:16 PM
Yah, ah read da farmer jOke in da mOst MinnesOtan accent I could. :PDontchaknow!
Post by: VANGUARD on December 18, 2012, 07:10:02 PM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on December 18, 2012, 07:50:20 PM
Post by: VANGUARD on December 18, 2012, 07:56:20 PM
Post by: Matthew on December 19, 2012, 12:13:19 AM
Post by: VANGUARD on December 19, 2012, 04:05:33 AM
"#1 here, I'm a Minnesota."
Post by: Scyphi on December 19, 2012, 08:53:36 AM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on December 19, 2012, 09:40:15 AM
Post by: Matthew on December 19, 2012, 12:05:55 PM
Post by: Zantor on January 01, 2013, 10:17:06 PM
Why did the deer cross the road?
..........
Post by: -<WillyP>- on January 02, 2013, 05:06:25 AM
Post by: Scyphi on January 02, 2013, 06:55:37 AM
Post by: TechPro on January 02, 2013, 08:54:05 AM
Post by: VANGUARD on January 02, 2013, 10:47:35 AM
Post by: DarkWing on January 02, 2013, 11:30:38 AM
... If that's the case...
Why did the turkey cross the road twice?
(To prove it wasn't a chicken)
Post by: Zantor on January 09, 2013, 11:28:54 AM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on January 10, 2013, 03:25:18 PM
1. Phone NASA. Their phone number is (713) 483-3111. Explain that it's very important that you get away as soon as possible.
2. If they do not cooperate, phone any friend you may have in the White House to have a word on your behalf with the guys at NASA.
3. If you don't have any friends in the White House, phone the Kremlin (ask the overseas operator for 0107-095-295-9051). They don't have any friends there either (at least, none to speak of), but they do seem to have a little influence, so you may as well try.
4. If that also fails, phone the Pope for guidance. His telephone number is 011-39-6-6982, and I gather his switchboard is infallible.
5. If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and explain that it's vitally important you get away before your phone bill arrives.
-Douglas Adams
Post by: -<WillyP>- on February 07, 2013, 05:39:48 AM
The Vet checked the dog over thoroughly, and not really seeing anything out of the ordinary, says "your dog seems to check out fine, just take him home, and keep an eye on him, and let me know if there is any change...
Post by: Foil on February 07, 2013, 07:55:07 AM
:D (I still get a kick out of those cheesy punchlines, though...)
Post by: Scyphi on February 08, 2013, 06:29:45 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on February 21, 2013, 05:48:55 AM
The first guy says he was 7 stories up washing windows and the scaffolding collapsed, breaking every bone in his body. He was in the hospital for 6 months.
The second guy says he was hitch hiking and was run over by a Greyhound bus, breaking his back. He was in the hospital for a year.
The third guy was saying nothing, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.
"Well, I'll tell you about the second worst thing," he said. "I was out hunting in the woods and I had to take a dump. I stepped behind a tree, dropped my pants, and crouched down into the position."
"What happened next?" the other guy asked.
"Well, I got a little to close to the ground and, WHAM! a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles!"
One of the other guys says, "God, if that was the second worst thing that has happened to you, what in the world was the first?"
The third man replies, "That would be when I reached the end of the chain."
Post by: VANGUARD on February 21, 2013, 12:12:31 PM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on February 21, 2013, 01:30:07 PM
Is the beartrap on a chain?
Post by: VANGUARD on February 21, 2013, 07:03:27 PM
but I would think touching my own dung wouldn't be as bad as getting *something else* cut off.
Post by: Matthew on February 22, 2013, 08:10:03 AM
Post by: VANGUARD on February 22, 2013, 08:56:18 AM
Explaining a joke sort of ruins it I know, but I really don't get it.
Post by: Kaiaatzl on February 22, 2013, 10:18:23 AM
Where did the chain come from?
Post by: Foil on February 22, 2013, 10:25:03 AM
Post by: VANGUARD on February 22, 2013, 11:47:56 AM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on February 22, 2013, 12:31:21 PM
Idiot human. ;D
I get it but it still makes no sense.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on February 23, 2013, 07:03:44 AM
Shheesh, you guys... no more jokes for you. :o
Post by: CrazyEnzo03 on March 12, 2013, 09:38:50 AM
In the middle of the night, Holmes woke up Watson and said, "Watson, look straight up, what do you see?"
Watson looked up at the stars and said, "I see thousands of tiny lights, but I know they are really stars, like the sun that gives life to our planet, and there are billions of them that my naked eyes cannot see. My God Holmes. If just a few of those stars had planets, and just a few of those planets had life, well there could be millions of civilizations out there. My God Holmes, you're a genius."
Sherlock Holmes said, "Watson - someone stole our tent."
Post by: Scyphi on March 12, 2013, 10:48:46 AM
Nonetheless, it's not a bad gag, so I'm not against a repeat. :P
Post by: VANGUARD on March 12, 2013, 11:05:02 AM
Post by: Scyphi on March 12, 2013, 11:26:40 AM
EDIT: I was spot on. (http://www.planetdescent.net/index.php/topic,266.165.html) It's right there near the top of the page, even. :P
Post by: Matthew on March 12, 2013, 11:01:37 PM
Post by: CrazyEnzo03 on March 13, 2013, 07:41:45 AM
Anyway, I asked this on omegle recently and got funny responses:
(http://l.omegle.com/8811df1.png)
Post by: Kaiaatzl on March 13, 2013, 07:57:51 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on May 24, 2013, 02:50:11 PM
body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be
asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and
they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is
she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part
that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs.Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As
for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
Post by: Matthew on May 25, 2013, 08:53:27 AM
I'm not looking through 37 pages just to make sure that what I'm posting hasn't been posted before. ;)I just tried this and every single person said 0. BRB while I lose all faith in humanity.
Anyway, I asked this on omegle recently and got funny responses:
([url]http://l.omegle.com/8811df1.png[/url])
OMG Somebody just got it right!
Post by: TechPro on May 25, 2013, 09:13:50 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on May 26, 2013, 07:56:09 PM
Post by: Matthew on May 27, 2013, 06:27:34 AM
Post by: Foil on May 29, 2013, 06:46:02 AM
Post by: Scyphi on May 29, 2013, 02:39:17 PM
Post by: Matthew on May 29, 2013, 06:30:59 PM
([url]http://assets.amuniversal.com/b401ac4098060130374d001dd8b71c47[/url])How McDonalds makes oranges.
Post by: Scyphi on May 30, 2013, 06:19:30 AM
Post by: VANGUARD on June 01, 2013, 06:12:57 AM
I'm not looking through 37 pages just to make sure that what I'm posting hasn't been posted before. ;)I just tried this and every single person said 0. BRB while I lose all faith in humanity.
Anyway, I asked this on omegle recently and got funny responses:
([url]http://l.omegle.com/8811df1.png[/url])
OMG Somebody just got it right!
I think the reason, at least in my case, is that whenever you multiply by 0, the answer is 0. I guess this works only if it's all multiplication, as I tried it on my calculator and did not get 0.
That is probably why so many said 0.
here's one, 51x95x698x741x0=
Post by: Kaiaatzl on June 01, 2013, 07:32:51 AM
Or if the rest of the problem was entirely exponents.
The trick was, order of operations. You have to multiply first.
Post by: TechPro on June 02, 2013, 10:17:24 AM
here's one, 51x95x698x741x0=If...
1. You calculate from the first number to the last allowing each result to carry to the next
2. Correctly consider that there is no parenthesis ... Because none are shown
3. Note there are only multiplication
The answer is: 0
Post by: VANGUARD on June 02, 2013, 02:28:18 PM
here's one, 51x95x698x741x0=If...
1. You calculate from the first number to the last allowing each result to carry to the next
2. Correctly consider that there is no parenthesis ... Because none are shown
3. Note there are only multiplication
The answer is: 0
So I'm at least half right. if all is to multiply only, then it will be a 0.
Post by: Scyphi on June 02, 2013, 05:30:43 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on June 11, 2013, 02:02:07 PM
But she gave him a stern warning "Don't worry about my bulldog spike. He won't bother you, but whatever you do, don't talk to the parrot! I REPEAT, DON'T TALK TO THE PARROT!"
When the repairman arrived at the house the next day, he saw the biggest,ugliest and meanest looking bulldog he'd ever seen.
As he began to work, the dog didn't even give him a second look. The parrot on the other hand, drove him nuts with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't take it anymore and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot responded, "Get him, Spike!"
Post by: Kaiaatzl on June 12, 2013, 08:40:12 AM
The one thing that bothers me about it... why does the parrot wait until he talks to it? It obviously doesn't like him to begin with.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on June 16, 2013, 05:56:07 AM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on June 16, 2013, 01:37:18 PM
The parrot is obviously a bright coloured, cowardly, kinda selfish cloaca-head. Hmm...
Kinda like this guy :P
(http://www.nerdist.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/sixth-doctor.jpg)
Well that might be an exaggeration.
You don't need to tell me. I'm pretty sure this post makes no sense.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on June 22, 2013, 04:55:55 PM
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."
The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 15, 2013, 07:12:50 PM
http://youtu.be/Ug5zKwJuWbU (http://youtu.be/Ug5zKwJuWbU)
I'm just about falling off my chair laughing.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 15, 2013, 07:18:14 PM
Quote from: Bergmen
Quote from: GumbyThey live among us. :truce:
Yeah and they get paid insane salaries to put things on the air an eighth grader could tell was phony. I can understand honest mistakes but this? It gets better:
Instead of admitting that they'd been had, KTVU issued a statement apologizing for the error while blaming an official at the National Transportation Safety Board—the government agency in charge—for confirming the names.
"Earlier in the newscast we gave some names of pilots involved in the Asiana Airlines Crash," the statement read. "These names were not accurate despite an NTSB official in Washington confirming them late this morning. We apologize for this error."
This, too, wasn't real. NTSB Public Affairs Officer Peter Knudson dismissed this claim to Gawker.
"I don't know who [KTVU] got that from, but we do not release names," Knudson told the blog.
The gaffe comes just days after the station ran an article congratulating itself on "being 100% accurate, effectively using our great sources and social media without putting a single piece of erroneous information on our air."
Bwa-ha-ha! I don't think I would trust them to read out of the phone book (if they still even have phone books).
Dan
Television Journalism At It's Finest (NOT!) (http://forum.cog-online.org/index.php/topic,44811.new.html#new)
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 21, 2013, 06:13:23 PM
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
...
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
...
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
...
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
...
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
Post by: TechPro on July 23, 2013, 04:53:59 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 11, 2013, 02:56:31 PM
"Are you sure ?" Yes, its dead. "But how can you be sure ? " Yes, I am sure, its dead. "But you haven't done any testing or anything, it might just be in a coma or something "
The vet. rolled his eyes up to the ceiling, then walked back into his office. Two seconds later came out with his Labrador dog, the dog stood on his back legs, sniffed all over the duck, looked at his master with sad eyes, shook his head, so the vet and the dog walked back to his basket in the office.
The vet came out with a cat, the cat jumped up on the table, sniffed the duck all over, meowed slowly then walked out of the room. "Sorry madam, your duck is definitely dead, 100% dead."
He went back into his office to make out the bill, handed it to the woman. She looked at the charge, "What ! $150 dollars !" " A $150 dollars just to tell me that my duck is dead !"
"Sorry madam, if you had just accepted my first answer, I would have only charged you $20, but with having a Lab report and then the cat scan its now $150 dollars "
Post by: -<WillyP>- on September 27, 2013, 10:53:44 AM
(http://distilleryimage8.ak.instagram.com/3aa69a3425c311e3902922000a1fc70b_7.jpg)
Post by: -<WillyP>- on October 19, 2013, 10:35:11 AM
Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 79 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her. She fainted.
Being old can be fun!
Post by: TechPro on October 22, 2013, 03:28:34 PM
Post by: Sapphirus on October 24, 2013, 08:33:09 PM
Linus from Peanuts suddenly enters Aperture Science, in search for the Great Pumpkin through the corridors of each test chambers and suddenly, Linus stumbled upon a wall with written words that repeatedly says, "The Great Pumpkin Is a Lie". And he hears GlaDOS' voice saying, "Oh, I'm sorry, Linus. I'm afraid that the Great Pumpkin was just your imaginary friend that you came up with, and thus he doesn't exist". If you didn't grew up with Peanuts (the comic/cartoon, not the food product), then you won't get it.
(yes it's a cross-reference)
Post by: Scyphi on October 25, 2013, 07:18:01 AM
(http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2011/142/3/a/cereals_for_lunch__13_05_2011_by_joaov-d3gy3fw.png)
Also, seriously, who here DIDN'T grow up with Peanuts? :P
Post by: TechPro on November 06, 2013, 09:12:07 AM
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure all over her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
Post by: -<WillyP>- on November 16, 2013, 02:27:19 PM
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with him?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
Post by: Alieo on November 17, 2013, 01:12:51 AM
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this..." pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes!" she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
Post by: -<WillyP>- on November 21, 2013, 12:04:34 PM
"Congratulations!' says the nurse to the new parents. "Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby girl and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name her Sum Ting Wong."
Post by: -<WillyP>- on November 21, 2013, 12:15:09 PM
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."
Post by: -<WillyP>- on November 21, 2013, 12:16:42 PM
Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!
TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going 2 STICK! Careful.. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Post by: -<WillyP>- on November 21, 2013, 01:50:12 PM
“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”
“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.”
Post by: -<WillyP>- on November 29, 2013, 09:43:42 PM
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door in the rain. It didn't take the homeowner long to realise the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was asleep in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," protests the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife, "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts into the rain and the darkness: "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on the swing."
Post by: Kaiaatzl on January 08, 2014, 07:29:26 PM
"Give him one of these pills every two hours. Then use this to staunch your bleeding."
Post by: VANGUARD on January 23, 2014, 07:22:34 PM
Sure enough, the lion became a Christian, and prayed as well. "Thank you LORD for the food I am about to receive."
Post by: -<WillyP>- on January 29, 2014, 04:40:00 PM
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding' in this cedar chest....."
Post by: Matthew on January 29, 2014, 08:13:29 PM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on January 30, 2014, 06:40:44 AM
Post by: Scyphi on January 30, 2014, 07:50:24 AM
Post by: VANGUARD on January 30, 2014, 05:24:36 PM
Post by: Scyphi on January 31, 2014, 09:52:46 AM
Also keep in mind that we've amassed over forty pages of jokes now, and I'm personally sure as heck not going to go through all of them each time I want to tell a joke just to make sure it hasn't already been told before. :P
Actually, this policy helps in my instance when you consider that I haven't contributed much of any jokes to this thread, but that's beside the point. ::)
Post by: -<WillyP>- on February 01, 2014, 01:28:15 PM
This older gentleman had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl
As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He
asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was
sitting there.
"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible" said the first man. "Who in their right mind
would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting
event in the world and not use it?
The Second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the
first Super Bowl we haven't been together since we got married in
1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
seat?"
The man shook his head. "No, They're all at the funeral."
Post by: Scyphi on February 02, 2014, 07:03:56 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on February 18, 2014, 05:37:25 PM
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Post by: DarkWing on February 18, 2014, 07:19:24 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on March 06, 2014, 06:13:06 AM
Post by: Scyphi on March 06, 2014, 08:34:37 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on March 21, 2014, 08:18:32 AM
Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports .
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed..
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES....
Post by: -<WillyP>- on March 29, 2014, 08:52:00 AM
Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so try this one:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an African, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist, a Christian, and an atheist went to a night Club.
~
The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."
Post by: -<WillyP>- on June 12, 2014, 11:18:06 AM
Two Florida rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?”
The second hunter says,”I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”
The first hunter says, “There’s this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see”.
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. “Say there,” says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?”
The first hunter says, “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!”
The old farmer said, “That’s impossible…. …I had him chained to an old transmission!”
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 15, 2014, 02:49:05 PM
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his
bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome
plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex
watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of
bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say,
'Times up!"?
Post by: Scyphi on July 16, 2014, 05:36:45 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 18, 2014, 07:24:52 AM
Post by: Scyphi on July 19, 2014, 07:52:36 AM
Post by: Scyphi on August 15, 2014, 06:55:53 AM
Post by: Pumo on August 30, 2014, 02:59:23 PM
Post by: Viper1999 on August 30, 2014, 05:56:46 PM
([url]http://assets.amuniversal.com/de33b5b0fa460131888a005056a9545d[/url])
Oh god that was hilarious!
Post by: Scyphi on August 31, 2014, 11:51:08 AM
Post by: Scyphi on September 05, 2014, 05:38:10 AM
Post by: Kaiaatzl on September 05, 2014, 11:41:40 AM
But I need to have a post on page 42.
Post by: Kaiaatzl on September 05, 2014, 06:06:32 PM
Sry for not being more specific, but this is the sort of silliness where that would spoil everything. It seems to be based on an xkcd strip.
And the answers are even better than the question...
Post by: Scyphi on September 06, 2014, 05:59:40 AM
I've heard that one so many times you wouldn't believe...
Not surprised, but I hadn't ever heard it myself until yesterday, and thought it was worth sharing nonetheless.
Post by: Kaiaatzl on September 06, 2014, 06:13:00 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on October 03, 2014, 05:02:19 AM
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
Post by: -<WillyP>- on October 08, 2014, 06:43:44 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on November 15, 2014, 07:07:07 AM
The day comes, and each of the three go up to the casket and drop their envelope in just before it's sealed for all eternity.
At the reception after, the doctor said: "I feel terrible, but there's nothing I can do about it now. I took $10K out the envelope because of a child I know that needs an operation and whose family can't afford it. I figured that he couldn't use the money and the kid could. I only put $15K in the casket."
The minister said: " I feel even worse. There's a mission in Africa where people are starving to death. I figured he wasn't going to use the money, so I took $15K out and only put $10K in the casket."
The lawyer said: "I'm surprised at both of you! A doctor and a minister and you couldn't be trusted to follow through on his last request. It doesn't matter whether he uses the money or not. They were his funds and we made a promise. That's why I put in a check for the full amount...."
Post by: -<WillyP>- on January 08, 2015, 02:55:45 PM
As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility."
"And I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down"
Post by: -<WillyP>- on January 15, 2015, 06:40:05 PM
(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/1412/bobby-britain-english-police-gun-cop-demotivational-posters-1419222786.jpg)
Post by: DarkWing on January 18, 2015, 09:31:09 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on March 08, 2015, 12:28:54 PM
The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”
“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.
“Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.
“A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he’d try another question, in his obnoxious way. “Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
“Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”
“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.”
“To the IRS ?” questioned the auditor in disbelief.
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “directly to The IRS …And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.”
Post by: TechPro on March 08, 2015, 02:45:56 PM
Post by: 1DeViLiShDuDe on April 27, 2015, 12:17:27 PM
A clean j☺ke thread!
Post by: -<WillyP>- on May 07, 2015, 03:38:22 AM
When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
I still don't think I looked that bad.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 05, 2015, 07:56:13 PM
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good...) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!
Post by: VANGUARD on July 05, 2015, 08:39:49 PM
Post by: TechPro on July 21, 2015, 09:42:02 PM
Police say they have absolutely nothing to go on.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
After a series of crimes in the San Francisco area, Chief of Police Marion C. Dingle has announced that he's looking for a thief with one eye.
If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Congress was sealed off today, after police chased an escaped lunatic through the front door during the President's State of the Union speech.
A spokesman for the Police said it was like looking for a needle in a haystack.
Post by: Kaiaatzl on July 22, 2015, 05:36:06 AM
1 and 2 are way too silly. I love them.
Post by: VANGUARD on July 22, 2015, 07:08:02 PM
Post by: Ionized on July 22, 2015, 10:44:12 PM
Post by: VANGUARD on July 23, 2015, 07:02:35 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on July 24, 2015, 09:18:41 AM
However, I think Kai was referring to TP's post, not mine.
Post by: Kaiaatzl on July 24, 2015, 09:19:14 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on October 07, 2015, 02:23:21 PM
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..
..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"
Post by: TechPro on October 07, 2015, 06:52:21 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on October 08, 2015, 06:23:27 AM
Post by: TechPro on October 08, 2015, 10:17:34 AM
I think your reply lost something in the translation.I see an animated gif of a smiley laughing hysterically, which is about how I felt after reading the joke you posted.
What do you see?
Post by: -<WillyP>- on October 08, 2015, 06:23:56 PM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on October 11, 2015, 04:41:43 PM
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
Post by: Zantor on January 29, 2016, 11:00:42 PM
Post by: Scyphi on June 15, 2016, 07:25:53 AM
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 21, 2016, 08:32:18 AM
She says"I can't wear these pants".
He says "Exactly! I'm the man in this marriage. I wear the pants and you'd better not forget it."
She hands him her very small thong and says "put these on".
He looks at them and say's "I can't get into these panties."
She says "Exactly! And it's going to stay that way until your attitude changes!"
Post by: -<WillyP>- on August 21, 2016, 08:33:21 AM
The trucker rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from truck to truck, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the trucker asks. The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
Post by: -<WillyP>- on June 11, 2017, 09:28:29 AM
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
WIFE v. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws'
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...'
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!!!'
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM'. He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
Post by: Scyphi on June 12, 2017, 09:19:46 PM
Quote
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...'
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?
Not to ruin the joke, but I actually recently read that, according to studies and despite popular opinion, men on average actually talk more than women do.
Which then leads to long discussions about why that might be so and eventually going into sexism and gender equality...but I'll spare you all that. ;)
Post by: VANGUARD on January 15, 2018, 07:17:31 PM
--------------------------------------
"Knock knock!"
"Who's there?"
"The chicken!"
Post by: TechPro on December 14, 2018, 07:48:35 PM
Post by: VANGUARD on January 19, 2019, 11:01:00 AM
sorry, just had to say one like that too.
Post by: -<WillyP>- on December 01, 2019, 05:40:39 PM
One day a small sapling sprung up between the the two of them and thus began a squabble between the Beech and the Birch over whether the sapling was a son of Beech or a son of Birch. They agreed to disagree until the young sapling got old enough to start showing sure characteristics of being either a Beech or a Birch.
A few years later the young sapling had grown into a strapping little tree, though still not quite distinguishable as one type or another. The Beech swore it was a son of a Beech and of course the Birch maintained it was obviously a son of a Birch.
Finally along came a woodpecker. The Beech and the Birch immediately realized that the bird, being a connoisseur of all things wood, would be able to settle this debate once and for all. So they called to the woodpecker and asked him to weigh in. The woodpecker agreed and flew all around the young tree, eyeing it up and down. He landed on it and poked here and poked there clearly in deep concentration. After what seemed like an inordinate amount of time to the Beech and the Birch for something that each thought should be a quick and easy determination, the woodpecker announced his findings: "I'll be honest you Beech, and Birch you know I can't tell a lie; it's neither a son of a Beech nor a son of a Birch, but the finest piece of Ash I've ever stuck my pecker in." And he flew away with the most satisfied look on his face.
Post by: VANGUARD on December 03, 2019, 04:14:06 PM
I told that joke to one guy and failed to get it. I told another and he got it right away.
As for your joke, I knew that was coming, play on words with beech and birch. nice :)
Post by: TechPro on February 01, 2020, 11:48:25 AM
Question: How much space will Brexit free up in the European Union?
Answer: 1 GB
Question: What did Britain say to its trade partners?
Answer: "See EU later."
The attached image was seen in Britain at a Peoples Vote March:
Post by: Scyphi on February 02, 2020, 07:01:13 AM