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Author Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)  (Read 286508 times)

Offline Kaiaatzl

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Re: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)
« Reply #60 on: July 08, 2010, 06:21:25 PM »
I sent it to my mom.

Offline Shroudeye

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Re: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)
« Reply #61 on: July 11, 2010, 06:27:49 AM »
Here is an agent joke!!

3 men who were chosen among many participants to be special, top-secret agents; was having a briefing on their final test:

"You have endured all the tests we made for you, and came this far." The controller said, "But there is one more remains. One more test, and we will choose the best one. You will be given a secret password, then subjected to torture. If you manage to keep the secret for the longest time, you'll be granted to join us."

So all 3 men were given a password and got tortured.

The 1st man, endures for 1 month, and finally gives in.

The 2nd man, goes up for 2 months.

The 3rd man however, doesn't gives in even after 4 months. The controller grows excited, yet also puzzled on how the man could withstand, decides to put a camera in his quarters. He watches the man  pacing the room and banging his head on the wall while mumbling something. Curious, the Controller opens the microphone. He hears the man repeating:

"REMEMBER!!!REMEMBER!!!REMEMBER!!!REMEMBER!!!REMEMBER!!!REMEMBER!!!..."

Offline Scyphi

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Re: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)
« Reply #62 on: July 11, 2010, 11:07:59 AM »
Question: are blond jokes allowed? 'Cuz I have one that y'all might like.
"I thought I had a great idea, but it never really took off. In fact, it didn't even get on the runway. I guess you could say it exploded in the hanger." -Calvin and Hobbes
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Offline -<WillyP>-

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Re: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)
« Reply #63 on: July 11, 2010, 05:34:22 PM »
Are they funny? If so you may post them. ;)
Smart people look like crazy people to stupid people.

Offline Scyphi

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Re: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)
« Reply #64 on: July 12, 2010, 10:57:50 AM »
In a mirror store, there exists a magic mirror. Anyone who looked in the mirror and told a lie would vanish with a poof.

One day, a Brunette came into the store, looked into the mirror at her reflection, and remarked, "I think I put on my make-up very well today!"

Poof!

Later, a redhead came into the store, looked into the mirror at her reflection, and remarked, "I think I styled my hair very well today!"

Poof!

Finally, a blond entered the store and did the same as the others: looked into the mirror, and started to comment, "I think..."

Poof!
"I thought I had a great idea, but it never really took off. In fact, it didn't even get on the runway. I guess you could say it exploded in the hanger." -Calvin and Hobbes
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Offline -<WillyP>-

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Re: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)
« Reply #65 on: July 13, 2010, 01:13:35 PM »
Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom,
I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restroom.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me,
But I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"??

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.. I tell him
"No..I'm a little busy right now!!!"
 
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back.   There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions
Smart people look like crazy people to stupid people.

Offline Matthew

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Re: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)
« Reply #66 on: July 13, 2010, 03:24:28 PM »
There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps talking on his cell phone in the bathroom.

Offline Shroudeye

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Re: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)
« Reply #67 on: July 14, 2010, 02:29:20 PM »
ROFLM*O! Nice catch WillyP!

Offline -<WillyP>-

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More Blondes!
« Reply #68 on: July 17, 2010, 04:18:19 AM »
Ransacked Blonde
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

"They send me a BLIND policeman."


Delaware Decision
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her USA government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"


Blonde Pregnancy
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"
Smart people look like crazy people to stupid people.

Offline -<WillyP>-

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Last Respects
« Reply #69 on: July 17, 2010, 09:31:30 AM »
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.  He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.   

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.  I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently  gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.  I felt  badly and apologized to the men for being late.   

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.  I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.   The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.  I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family or friends.   

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.  And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.   

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.  Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting  in septic tanks for twenty years."
 
Apparently I'm still lost.....
Smart people look like crazy people to stupid people.

Offline -<WillyP>-

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Re: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)
« Reply #70 on: July 21, 2010, 10:03:16 AM »
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Smart people look like crazy people to stupid people.

Offline -<WillyP>-

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More Blondes Again!!!
« Reply #71 on: July 21, 2010, 06:57:00 PM »
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Smart people look like crazy people to stupid people.

Offline Matthew

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Re: More Blondes Again!!!
« Reply #72 on: July 21, 2010, 07:03:54 PM »
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
We really need a ROFL smiley here.

Offline Scyphi

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Re: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)
« Reply #73 on: July 22, 2010, 05:56:37 AM »
That was a good blonde joke, I'll have to remember that one. :D
"I thought I had a great idea, but it never really took off. In fact, it didn't even get on the runway. I guess you could say it exploded in the hanger." -Calvin and Hobbes
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Offline Shroudeye

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Re: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)
« Reply #74 on: July 22, 2010, 10:17:00 AM »
LOLz!!

--
A Truck driver has been arrested for driving into a bazaar. Police:
-Sir, you have driven into a public area and made a lot of damage. May I ask why?
Driver replies:
-My brakes were failed, so I couldn't stop!
-There was another, empty street just next to the junction?
-Yeah, yet it had a kid in it...
-Well, you could turn there instead of driving into the bazaar?? You might injured one kid, instead of millions?
-I thought so, and I turned to the kid...But that kid ran into the bazaar!!

 

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