Planet Descent
Community => Mess Hall => Topic started by: Kaiaatzl on June 16, 2011, 05:53:14 PM
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Everyone hates a telemarketer... that is everyone who doesn't know how to play with them.
Post funny things you've done to telemarketers, or things you wish you could do.
#1: Availability
If they ask whether so-and-so is available, tell them you'll go check with so-and-so whether he wants to be available.
Telemarketer: "Is Justin Hrella available?"
You: "Hang on, I'll go ask him if he's available."
"No he is not available."
#2: Shoulda been a door-to-door salesguy
Tell them this joke and then immediately hang up:
You: "Knock knock"
Telemarketer: "Sigh... Who's there"
You: "Not you"
#3: Good listening skills
Tell them that you're listening to them, but continually interrupt them to tell bad jokes. Bonus points if the jokes are about telemarketers. If no one but the telemarketer can hear you, laugh wildly at the jokes.
#4: I'm outta here!
Tell the telemarketer that your reception is bad because you're breaking out of [insert name of a high-security prison here] and if they'd just call you back in ten minutes you should be done by then. Be impeccably polite about it.
#5: Something deadly that way goes
Interrupt them, shouting: "OHMYGOD LOOK BEHIND YOU!" and then immediately hang up.
#6: Nothing is perfect
Ask them a completely arbitrary question about the product they're selling after every sentence, and insist that they answer it.
Telemarketer selling a deodorant:
You: "But why would a mouse need it?"
Telemarketer selling an air freshener:
You: "Why should I put that in my fishtank?"
If they tell you that a mouse wouldn't need a deodorant, or you shouldn't put air freshener in your fishtank, respond with a hmph and "Well I won't buy it if it's not perfect".
#7: The customer is always right
When the telemarketer describes the product she's selling, insist that they're wrong and the product is something else.
You: "Nonononono, Reader's Digest isn't a magazine! It's the flour they use to bake bread in libraries!"
The more ridiculous the better. After all, the customer is always right.
#8: Stopped in his tracks!
During the telemarketer's monologue, tell him to wait, wait a few seconds after he stops talking, and then just cheerily say "goodbye" and hang up.
#9: Deadline
Greet the telemarketer in the normal way, then put the phone down and leave the room, but don't hang up. Alternatively, stay in the room and see how long it takes the telemarketer to notice you're no longer there.
#10: Worst wrong number ever
Wait for the telemarketer to describe what he's selling, then tell them that they're actually talking to a well known group of people strongly opposed to that product.
You: "Hello"
Telemarketer starts advertising beer
You: "Sir, this is Alcoholics Anonymous."
A variant would be to pretend to be incredibly offended by the product they're selling.
#11 Bonus! Cell-phone physics: http://www.planetdescent.net/index.php?action=mgallery;sa=item;id=508 (http://www.planetdescent.net/index.php?action=mgallery;sa=item;id=508)
Get the telemarketer to hang up on you.
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At least in here, those telemarketers politely notify you before they call you... So you got the option to never answer them. And they never call you back.
And there aren't that much of them.
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You could also try to sell them your own made up product. Or just grab a recording of another telemarketer and just stream it through the phone. Either one would work.
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That was the one I forgot! Lol.
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sort of did #1, not really actually. #10 sounds nice.
Someone from Wells Fargo asked who I was, and for whatever reason, I said I was someone else. That wasn't telemarketing though. I RARELY get those, and now, I just don't answer the phone if I don't recognize the number.
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The telemarketers I get are mostly voicebots from credit card companies and banks trying to sell me something. I don't usually get a real time human. In any event we have our phone's answering machine pick up on the first ring and I go through them at the end of the day.
Anything important comes to my cell.
Bee
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At least in here, those telemarketers politely notify you before they call you... So you got the option to never answer them. And they never call you back.
And there aren't that much of them.
:Green with envy:
And #1 was based on something I did when a telemarketer called and asked for my dad a few years ago. #10 would probably be the most fun, if you could do it. About half of these are made up by me and the other half are Xaihyv's.
Well, a couple more:
#12: Marketing Duel!
Try to sell the telemarketer something. Bonus points if it's something you made up or doesn't actually exist.
(By Darcshadow)
#13: Answer with wierd
If the telemarkter asks you a question, respond with something almost completely irrelevant and silly, and then ask them a question that has almost no relation to your statement.
Telemarketer: "So, how about it, do you want the nature magazine?"
You: "I was born a weasel. What kind of animal was your father?"
Telemarketer: "So, how about it, do you want to get the sunblock?"
You: "I've been on fire for the past twenty years. How's your tan coming?"
Use schitzophrenia logic (I can't remember the actual word for that kind of logic).
#14: Accent time
If you get plenty of chances to talk, halfway through start speaking in the strangest accent you can manage, and just keep doing it for the rest of the call. Of course what accent it is depends on where you are.
(This is something Klixovann allegedly did during a phone survey).
#15: Hang up on yourself
Try to lure the telemarketer into a conversation, then hang up while you're talking. For bonus marks, make it sound like you want to buy the product, then hang up on yourself just before you'd say 'yes'.
(By Xaihyv)
@Bettina:
You're lucky then. Because of the nature of my mom's job we have to take calls even if we don't recognize the number, and we have relatives and family friends all over Canada so we get lots of long distance calls, and it can be near impossible to remember all the numbers.
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The telemarketers I get are mostly voicebots from credit card companies and banks trying to sell me something. I don't usually get a real time human. In any event we have our phone's answering machine pick up on the first ring and I go through them at the end of the day.
Anything important comes to my cell.
Bee
not too long ago, someone called my cell, but never answered. I don't know if you can get any number too private. even a brand new number, not telling a soul what the number is, not calling a single person (which would raise a question why you have it), and I'm sure you will still get something.
sad isn't it? Be nice to have them enter additional numbers to verify they're legit, and a P.I.N. that you'd only give out to trusted people.
that may get annoying though.
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not too long ago, someone called my cell, but never answered
This is kind of off topic, but that reminds me of a true story I heard once on the radio where a wife and her husband were talking about how they met, and they said they met because their cell phones called each other, randomly, on their own. Neither one of them was trying to call somebody else. Their phones on both ends rang, and they answered, and were introduced to each other. Because the circumstances of their meeting via phones was so peculiar, they kept in contact, later met in person and about two years later, were happily married. :P
Anyway, as for telemarketers, all the telemarketers that call here are all automated these days, so you can't really mess with them. Save the ones that are calling asking for donations for fundraisers, and I'm too polite to do mean things to those people. :)
Something I've seen Techpro do with telemarketers is sit down with them and logic out what they're trying to sell, and get the telemarketers caught up with the little 'catches' of their deals they're offering you that they aren't supposed to tell you, pretty much wreaking their whole sales pitch. :P
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Wells Fargo pissed me off one day when they called. I was "sick". yes. "SICK". I have never in YEARS gotten sick, like, what's a clean way to say this? something "came up" or didn't "stay down." yeah. that makes me NERVOUS when I do that, and I DID.
there is a story to this. It was I think the day after I got that sick, and I still in bed or on the couch, not movie.
Stupid me, answers the phone. "Hi, this is Wells Fargo, we'd like to ask if you'd want this offer."
I'm like, "I am SICK! I can't talk."
"well, it'd only take 5 minutes."
I'm like ::) and thinking, "you want to talk? if you hear anything unpleasant, it's your own fault. I am not warning you."
I hung up after just a few seconds and thought, how rude is that.
It's like the TMZ, I can say the word, but can't spell it. they go out and try to get a story.
Some actress tried to get away from them in a car, and accidentally hit a tree. they were still on her case, asking her questions.
I know it's their job, but I hate that part about that.
"Oh you're head is wide open, can see your brain. Tell me, was that so and so you were having lunch with? having an affair? was there dessert?"
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Something I've seen Techpro do with telemarketers is sit down with them and logic out what they're trying to sell, and get the telemarketers caught up with the little 'catches' of their deals they're offering you that they aren't supposed to tell you, pretty much wreaking their whole sales pitch. :P
That one is probably the most "polite" way to reject their sales, thru logical judo. Liked it!
BTW, I told that there isn't much telemarketers in my place... I forgot to mention those Short Message ads... now they ARE, a pain!
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Especially when you say 'hello' and then realize it's a recording.
Anyway, I forgot this one. Half is by me and the other half... is by The Irrelevant Show.
#16: One of us is a zombie
Either A:
Interrupt them in the middle of a sentence to ask, loudly, "Are you a zombie?!?" See how long it takes them to recover, or if they answer you.
(Irrelevant show sketch, in which the caller, you found out later, actually was a zombie)
Or B:
Speak from third person, call yourself "The late [your name here]" and end every sentence with a statement about how brains taste so good, or how the telemarketer's brain would taste so good.
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#2: Shoulda been a door-to-door salesguy
Tell them this joke and then immediately hang up:
You: "Knock knock"
Telemarketer: "Sigh... Who's there"
You: "Not you"
this one actually reminds me of a Dilbert comic. it wasn't telemarketing, it had to do with laying people off. The boss was talking with some random person about the layoffs and I believe the employee was asking how this was going to be done. Whatever they said, the boss ended the conversation this way:
"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Not you anymore."
#17
Take your own medicine
After you get the call and they try to get you to buy the product, ask them their home number so you can call them on products you wish to sell to them.
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http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/1992-12-07/
:)
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lol, Dilbert! And welcome to the forum!
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Yes, that one was based on Dilbert ;D.
And welcome.
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Just tell them the person's dead.
You could always add that you're investigating the death and ask what the nature of the caller's relationship with the deceased was.
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I like that actually. That's one I definitely want to try.
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Spins 'em round every time.
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It's like the Alcoholics Anonymous one.
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How does it go? I'm longing for some variation!
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They call you to sell beer and you say "Sir (madam) this is Alcoholics Anonymous!"
I call it the 'worst wrong number ever' and it's #10 in the OP.
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Wow, is this in the US. that they do this? Sell you alchohol down the phone ...
With us it's mostly ... topical scams or things to exploit like "have you taken out a personal loan in the last 5 years? If so you might have been missold it, blah blah.". Either that or they try and get you to change your gas or phone provider.
A couple of months back we had a good scam where someone rang up claiming to be from Microsoft, telling us that they figured we had a virus of somekind and the idea was to make us download something malicious and then charge us to undo it.
It got passed over to me and he didn't get very far. He tried telling me that every yellow or red entry in the Windows Event-viewer was a virus. That was a non-starter.
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I've never had anyone actually try to sell me alcohol on the phone, but I can see it happening.
And I'm not in the US. That's all I'm going to say.
I get telemarketers from there though, so I guess I still count ;D.
It got passed over to me and he didn't get very far. He tried telling me that every yellow or red entry in the Windows Event-viewer was a virus. That was a non-starter.
Obviously he didn't know who you are.
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I never understood how these people can sell their malicious "antiviruses" on fricking TV. False advertising laws please?
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Well, the guy was shady too. I thought how likely is it that Microsoft would be contacting me to solve my computing problem?
Event viewer is pretty good and clear (if you go in and explore in your own time rather than being told to go there under false pretence) that what you're looking at are just events, not viruses. It just takes a little to be able to say "just because you have a couple of reds and yellows in no way means that anything's wrong with the PC". The PC just logs every thing that solves itself as such an entry. Every time you close a non-responsive propgram it winds up as a red entry as well.
Malicious AVs On TV? I guess your advertising restrictions must be a lot more liberal although loan sharks, supposed credit management agencies have always got on here.
I think in the UK, the only time I've ever seen even real antiviruses advertised is when a retailer like PC world advertises its products and prices.
It's like "have a printer that's probably 20 years old and guzzles ink cartridges, assuming you can still find them for the amazing price of £10,000! And seeing as we had to pay for a 30-second advert, here's Norton Antivirus. It can slow down up to three home computers and nags you every 5 minutes just to make the whole thing seem worthwhile. Now a bargain at only £500!!!"
Norton isn't that bad nowadays, still probably wouldn't use it though but that's what PC World is like here. They must make fortune flogging yesterday's crap to grandmas and small businesses.
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[url]http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/1992-12-07/[/url]
:)
thanks I guess I screwed up part of the comic when talking about it :)
been a while since I saw that, but I remembered the punchline. and yeah, they are funny.
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The most frequent telemarketing calls I hear in the US revolve around credit card accounts, banking accounts, the economy, and polls for things no body cares about or worse, politics. :P
Can't say I've ever heard of telemarketers trying to sell something like alcohol over the phone these days. That seems to be more the TV's job. :P x2
I do remember getting one telemarketing call that talked about me getting free gasoline or something. Admittedly a little intrigued and wondering if this was for real, I expressed interest, just to see where I ended up. Didn't really end up anywhere, though, just got rerouted to several different operators who were telling me seemingly conflicting statements that were just confusing me, so I eventually just hung up.
Malicious AVs On TV? I guess your advertising restrictions must be a lot more liberal...
In the US, I believe they aren't legal at all, it's just when a "business" initially starts advertising, there's no real guarantee whether or not they're legit or not until they actually start getting some customers. So it's still possible to false advertise and get away with...until people get wise of you and you get caught. :P x3
More frequently, I see stuff more along the lines of being "half-false," as in leading you to believe one thing when it's really another thing with discreet catches attach that were technically there in the fine print but you had missed. Technically that's unfortunately legal, because they still give you the whole truth about what they're doing and selling, so technically nothing is false. They just gear it up in such a way that they get onlookers to overlook the catches and just on the seemingly "good deal" stuff. Businesses probably do it more than I'd like to admit. :P x4
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I suppose they may not be explicitly malicious, but you won't find me using any of them. "O NOES MAH EMAIL TAKES 4 SECONDS TO LOAD, I HAZ A VIRUS MY COMPUTER IS BEING PERMANENTLY DAMAGED HALP ME HALP ME!" ::)
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I don't really get the whole sticking-tongues-out-smiley things - especially now that we're applying mathematics to them.
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I don't really get the whole sticking-tongues-out-smiley things - especially now that we're applying mathematics to them.
I rarely ever get them, especially with those x2 and x3, etc.
I think my penpal did that a couple of times at me. is it one of those "duh" moments? or "dork"?
oh well.
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Well, I think it's maybe that I suck at mathematics in general.
Dunno how it was a "duh" moment, never been to America, don't fancy getting patted-down that much. Just thought I would find ask what their TV ads were like.
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You know, I'm not one hundred percent sure what :P means either per say. I had just presumed it was associated with being silly. So, when you say something silly, to tack on a :P
The whole "x2" deal is just something I do when I have a lot of :P in a posts, with several in a row, so to speak. Basically it just means I said something silly (hopefully) twice in a row, or more often. Rarely, though, I don't go over "x2." I only reason I went as high as "x4" in that last post because I ended a lot of paragraphs in a row with :P and in the past, when a lot of :P turn up in a post, people notice, so I tacked on the "x3" and "x4" just to shake it up a little. In retrospect, it probably wasn't as good idea as it seemed then. In fact, I think I considered not doing it at first, but then changed my mind.
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You know what people mean by 'blowing a razzberry'?
:P Is just that. Usually it's taken to mean blowing it at yourself, because you're being silly. But there are sometimes you can blow it at someone else, if they're silly. In those cases there's usually nothing else in the post.
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I thought it was a really good post anyway aside from the faces, which I just didn't quite get.