This came from one of the policeman who are friends of ours. He stopped by while we were doing yard work and when I saw the radar setup the converstation switched to speeders. He joked that if you you drive faster than the posted speed limit, your speeding. If you drive lower than the limit you're impeding traffic, and if you drive exactly the speed limit you're a person of interest. :)Oh how true.
Bee
This came from one of the policeman who are friends of ours. He stopped by while we were doing yard work and when I saw the radar setup the converstation switched to speeders. He joked that if you you drive faster than the posted speed limit, your speeding. If you drive lower than the limit you're impeding traffic, and if you drive exactly the speed limit you're a person of interest. :)
Bee
If you’re a programmer, you’ll get this right off. If you’re sane, it’ll take a minute.Depends on how witty you are. It took me a bit to figure out that one.
I got it right away. It's just you ;)If you’re a programmer, you’ll get this right off. If you’re sane, it’ll take a minute.Depends on how witty you are. It took me a bit to figure out that one.
If you’re a programmer, you’ll get this right off. If you’re sane, it’ll take a minute.
-I'm always on foot when he speaks!Don't get it.
I think it means he is the man speaking.I get that, but why does being on foot when someone is speaking make the speech bad?
I think it means he is the man speaking.I get that, but why does being on foot when someone is speaking make the speech bad?
Maybe he does not like to speak. ???
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."We really need a ROFL smiley here.
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.LOL!
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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The man said yes and the Rabbi replied --"Take the poison!"
"I forgot to charge you for the duck call and the stink bait".Owned.
"I forgot to charge you for the duck call and the stink bait".Owned.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Gander NLFP (CP) CANADA'S WORST AIR DISASTER occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater airplane, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Newfoundland.
Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight...
This one is too long for one post, but it's really good... so it's posted on my blog instead: Lost in the Desert ([url]http://rantthisspace.com/lost_in_desert.html[/url])
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Hey, why the long face?"you forgot the part where the horse says "my son was just diagnosed with multiple sclerosis" :P
A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer mats. He says business is booming, and prophets are going through the roof…That sounds like a good way to take of all the suicide bombers.
...or edge them on. :-\How so?
A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer mats. He says business is booming, and prophets are going through the roof…
I can't let my dad see this... it's too punny (way better than the ones he makes though).
I don't get the army story. Can anyone explain?
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
"Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,looking
for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot...
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."
Look at this: [url]http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Feghoot[/url] ([url]http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Feghoot[/url])
Especially look at the first example.
... Techpro's been telling it to us kids every now and then (usually on camp-outs) for years. ...
Hey! I ordered a cheeseburger! (Who hasn't heard that one).
here's a joke. get ready.......here it is. and the joke is...
"me"
funny, isn't it?
Nothing for us Americans? :(But ... I thought Americans' alert level was "take more citizen's money" to "take the rest of citizen's money" ...
The Americans raised their alert level from "ignore citizens" to "slightly annoy citizens". The 2 higher levels are "treat citizens as criminals" and "drop nuclear bomb".
Some other military joke...
A General was scheduled to check this Joker Brigade. One of the privates was konwn for his stupitidy, so the officers warn him:
-Now, private Hollowbark, there is a General coming to check us tomorrow. Its his habit to ask your age first, then how much years you've been in service. If he asks you, you will answer his first question "21", and his second "2". The rest, you can reply "Sir, yes sir!" Is that clear?
-Sir, yes sir!
So this private, practices these words overnight. Then in the morning, the general arrives, and picks our private:
-Young man, how much years you've been serving in this unit?
-21, SIR!
-Umm, how old are you, young man?
-2, SIR!
-Private, are you taunting me?!
-SIR, YES SIR!
I think the guy hadn't turned the chainsaw on when he was cutting down the trees... ?
Still doesn't make much sense.
11. April 15, 2006: Darted around the store, looking around suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
15. May 16, 2006: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled very loudly, "Hey, Somebody! I need some toilet paper in here!"
Ooo! Can I be that one? Please? (I really had't seen it)
Anyway, here's an oldie, but, c'mon, there must be at least one person here who hasn't seen it: ;)
...And that would be exactly why it's funny. :)
it makes sense, sort of. I know he had it off, but 100 trees one day? without it on?
it makes sense, sort of. I know he had it off, but 100 trees one day? without it on?
Well, its called a joke, where a man can walk on the lake, and appear on the tomorrow's newspaper as a guy who does not know how to swim!
Right click and view image:([url]http://www.ahajokes.com/funnypics/pictures/Inexplicable/mathisgood.png[/url])
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.Oh, the sarcasm.
---------------------------------------
(IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
Hey, you talkin' about Sparky behind his/it's back??"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.Oh, the sarcasm.
---------------------------------------
(IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
Anyone here who's played D3 should know what IFF is... HINT: One of the robots has some bugs in his IFF!
Hey, you talkin' about Sparky behind his/it's back??"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.Oh, the sarcasm.
---------------------------------------
(IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
Anyone here who's played D3 should know what IFF is... HINT: One of the robots has some bugs in his IFF!
MODERN CANADIAN VERSION
...Jean Chretien...
Hey, I've got a joke. Modern Jean Chretien. LOLOLOLOLOL
Obama.... :-\
Obama.... :-\
Which is exactly why I had that reaction. Bringing up long-past politics is one thing, but current politics is not joke-thread material. I happen to think Obama is anything but a joke compared to Bush...Obama.... :-\
It's not a joke joke, well, sometimes yes. sometimes it's another type of joke. It's sort of like saying "Windows (almost any version) is a joke."
I happen to agree with that -- from a more international perspective -- Obama is the polar opposite of the "Bush disaster".
An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the Money!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."
If you don't like your world you should come to mine...
Conspiracy experts say the 14.6 Trillion dollar check make me hiding inside the walls of the empire state building. Engineers merely shook their heads, saying that the check is far too large for be hidden.
Um, yeah, noticed that right before you saw your post.
And techpro, you've posted that before :P
After a day fishing in the ocean, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He's approached by the game warden, who asks him for his fishing license. Not having one, the fisherman says to the warden, "I didn't catch;D
these lobsters. They're my pets. Every day, I take them down to the water for a swim. Then, when it's time to go home, I whistle, and the lobsters jump back into the bucket."
The warden doesn't believe him and reminds the fisherman that it's illegal to fish without a license.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me, watch." He throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "OK, now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they can jump out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and asks, "What lobsters?"
Better as Watson and Holmes, tbh. But still funny. :D
EDIT: Ooops. I accidentaly added a new thread. Mods, please move and add this one to joke thread...
MOD EDIT: Done.
([url]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_GVA115I1I8Y/TMGTPsbyLTI/AAAAAAAABG0/WwIsKeXVGo0/s400/Math-[/url])
([url]http://wizbangblog.com/images/DearMath.jpg[/url])
I don't get the ghost one at all.
([url]http://i.imgur.com/jFJz9.jpg[/url])Sadly my dogs (or at least one of them) is too smart for that.
A bear and a rabbit were shitting in the woods.That one's not.. "clean"..
The bear asked the rabbit, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
"No," answered the rabbit.
Then the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped its butt with the rabbit.
It got clean at the end. ;D... for the bear.
9. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.That would be perfect writing. Not bad at all, just hysterical.
Why don't I write? Finished a book once, 6 pages long. yeah.....
I don't really understand the second one, about the hearing.The preacher thought he meant hearing as in the things on the side of your head. What he actually meant was a hearing as in a legal proceeding.
I don't really understand the second one, about the hearing.The preacher thought he meant hearing as in the things on the side of your head. What he actually meant was a hearing as in a legal proceeding.
Yah, ah read da farmer jOke in da mOst MinnesOtan accent I could. :PDontchaknow!
I'm not looking through 37 pages just to make sure that what I'm posting hasn't been posted before. ;)I just tried this and every single person said 0. BRB while I lose all faith in humanity.
Anyway, I asked this on omegle recently and got funny responses:
([url]http://l.omegle.com/8811df1.png[/url])
([url]http://assets.amuniversal.com/b401ac4098060130374d001dd8b71c47[/url])How McDonalds makes oranges.
I'm not looking through 37 pages just to make sure that what I'm posting hasn't been posted before. ;)I just tried this and every single person said 0. BRB while I lose all faith in humanity.
Anyway, I asked this on omegle recently and got funny responses:
([url]http://l.omegle.com/8811df1.png[/url])
OMG Somebody just got it right!
here's one, 51x95x698x741x0=If...
here's one, 51x95x698x741x0=If...
1. You calculate from the first number to the last allowing each result to carry to the next
2. Correctly consider that there is no parenthesis ... Because none are shown
3. Note there are only multiplication
The answer is: 0
Quote from: GumbyThey live among us. :truce:
Yeah and they get paid insane salaries to put things on the air an eighth grader could tell was phony. I can understand honest mistakes but this? It gets better:
Instead of admitting that they'd been had, KTVU issued a statement apologizing for the error while blaming an official at the National Transportation Safety Board—the government agency in charge—for confirming the names.
"Earlier in the newscast we gave some names of pilots involved in the Asiana Airlines Crash," the statement read. "These names were not accurate despite an NTSB official in Washington confirming them late this morning. We apologize for this error."
This, too, wasn't real. NTSB Public Affairs Officer Peter Knudson dismissed this claim to Gawker.
"I don't know who [KTVU] got that from, but we do not release names," Knudson told the blog.
The gaffe comes just days after the station ran an article congratulating itself on "being 100% accurate, effectively using our great sources and social media without putting a single piece of erroneous information on our air."
Bwa-ha-ha! I don't think I would trust them to read out of the phone book (if they still even have phone books).
Dan
([url]http://assets.amuniversal.com/de33b5b0fa460131888a005056a9545d[/url])
I've heard that one so many times you wouldn't believe...
I think your reply lost something in the translation.I see an animated gif of a smiley laughing hysterically, which is about how I felt after reading the joke you posted.
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...'
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?