Topic: Joke Thread - (keep it clean)

[Kaiaatzl]

lol... Infidel!

[-<WillyP>-]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had
gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.
Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What
does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

[Kaiaatzl]

 
 

Is there no *laughing* smiley?

[-<WillyP>-]

A hot afternoon and chilling at a local bar, everyone had their attention on a news about a jumper. A man at the bar said: "20 bucks says he'll jump." A blond heard and said: "You're on." Sure enough he did jump and she paid the guy. He confessed: "I can't take your money, I saw this footage earlier this morning". The blond said: :"So did I, but I didn't think he would do it again."



A little girl asked her mother: "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said: "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered: "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

[-<WillyP>-]

A golf foursome on a green notices a funeral passing, and one of the golfers stops putting, and stands in reverent silence until the procession is past.

On of the other golfers says that was a very nice thing to do. The reverent one replies "Well, she was my wife for 30 years".

[Scyphi]

I loved the Holmes and Watson gag. Having read all of the Sherlock Holmes mysteries before, I can safely say that gag's conversation actually isn't too far from a truthful one those two could have had in one of the books.

[Kaiaatzl]

Look at this: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Feghoot

Especially look at the first example.

[-<WillyP>-]

Ah! Good find, my friend!

[Kaiaatzl]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,

"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,looking
for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot...

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."

Lol just saw this... my aunt emailed it to me yesterday.

[TechPro]

@Scyphi,  You recognize the first example in this?

Look at this: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Feghoot

Especially look at the first example.

@Everyone ... The same kind of thing was mentioned in an earlier post by WillyP in this thread: 
    http://www.planetdescent.net/index.php?topic=266.msg5579#msg5579
 (WillyP's post at the bottom of page

What Scyphi says about it on page 9 is true.

... Techpro's been telling it to us kids every now and then (usually on camp-outs) for years. ...

I'd heard it from my older brothers over 35 years ago and I know they tell it to their kids now.  I had never heard it from anyone outside my family until WillyP posted it in this thread.

[Scyphi]

I guess it's more famous than we thought.

[-<WillyP>-]

New Corporate Buzz Words for the 90's

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then leaves.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in class the rest were just tourists."

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here.

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa."

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

[-<WillyP>-]

 Deep in the back woods of Letcher County, Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
 
 As there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here..You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!" Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
  
 "Whoa, there," said the doctor,  "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down - I think there's another one coming!" Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

 "Keep holding that lantern up - don't set it down! There's another one!!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
 
 "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

 The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

[-<WillyP>-]

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.

If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

[-<WillyP>-]

http://img513.imageshack.us/img513/4079/pullmyfingerec9.swf